


If I Wanted Silence

by anyothergirl415



Series: Blind!Jensen Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Blindness, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Schmoop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-24
Updated: 2009-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-26 23:40:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/289169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyothergirl415/pseuds/anyothergirl415
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has a lot going for him; a great job, a large ocean side apartment, the freedom to be with whoever he likes. Then an accident happens that changes everything and Jensen has to relearn how to live with help from some unlikely places.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_He dreams of a park and thinks he may have been here before, but he’s been to a lot of parks in the past so it’s hard to be completely sure. The swing set reminds him of a time long ago and he faintly hears the laughter of children. He pumps his legs hard, relishing the air rushing around him, and he can’t help but marvel at how blue the sky is. The clouds have never been so brilliantly white and fluffy._

 _He jumps, soaring through the air in a high arch before dropping gracefully onto thick green grass. A throaty chuckle escapes from his lips as he runs to the slide, climbing up the shiny silver of the ladder._

 _Even though the sun is beating down on the playground, warming the back of Jensen’s neck and reflecting off the many surfaces in blinding arcs, the metal is cool as he prepares for his descent. The slide is longer then it might normally be and his stomach dips with a pleasant thrill during the long moment it takes to reach the bottom._

 _“Jensen!” He turns to the voice, smiling at his sister who is waving towards him. “Come play with me Jensen! Come on!”_

 _A laugh bubbles up in his throat as he rushes to join his sister on the wide field of bright green grass, taking her velvety soft hand in his. They both skip to the top of the hill and Jensen stops to take in the view. There’s a lake not far from there, shinning bright blue of reflected sky on its surface._

 _“Isn’t it beautiful Jensen?” Mackenzie squeezes his hand, smiling up at him. Distantly he thinks she’s younger then she should be, but then he considers that she’s exactly the age he loves the most. Eyes wide with untouched innocence, lips pulled up in a smile that warms every part of his soul._

 _“Very beautiful, but not as much as you!” He tucks his hands under her arms and spins her around, swinging her in a circle that has them both laughing before they fall to the ground with dizziness._

 _They are rolling down the hill now, through the thick grass and yellow sun kissed flowers coming to a stop on their backs side by side. The laughter fades away to silly grins as they watch the clouds drifts lazily across the sky forming shapes of monkeys, rabbits, and kangaroos._

 _“Will you miss it?”_

 _Jensen is confused by her question. He doesn’t understand the sadness that suddenly enters her tone because this is a happy time and she shouldn’t sound so grown up. “Will I miss what?”_

 _“This,” she sighs, sitting up to lay a hand on his shoulder._

 _Jensen frowns and sits up as well. Only then does he notice the grass doesn’t seem as green and the sky is no longer a bright brilliant blue. “But… I don’t understand… what’s happening?”_

 _“You can’t have this forever Jensen,” Mackenzie strokes his arm in a soft way, giving him a sad smile._

 _Things are starting to blur, the horizon is smearing together like a painting moved before it has time to dry. Mackenzie’s features blur, eyes dragging out at the corners, lips smudging into a mass of red, and Jensen jumps up, gasping, “What is this? What’s going on?”_

 _“You knew it would happen Jensen,” Mackenzie continues to soothe but she’s no longer his sister. In fact he can’t quite figure out what she is. Just a black blob smearing into the landscape that’s turning just as dark._

 _“No,” he shakes his head, backing up only to trip and fall. “No!” He screams when he doesn’t land on anything, just continues to tumble into the darkness that has consumed the once familiar park entirely._

 _“NO!”_

  
Jensen jerks up in bed, hands gripping at the blankets surrounding him in an attempt to regain his balance. He fights back the wave of nausea dancing up his system. Just as he’s regaining control, his hand reaching out to flip on the lamp on the nightstand, a harsh truth slams to the front of his mind. Lurching forward he stumbles into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before the contents of the night before are tumbling up.

It takes several long minutes and quite a few deep breaths to stop the dry heaves and sobs from overtaking him. His body shakes as he pushes himself to a stand, flushing the toilet and sliding to the sink at his right.

Jensen’s hand trembles as he turns the faucet, cupping his palm to bring water to his lips. After a few more deep breaths he curls both hands around the cool marble of the counter’s surface and lifts his head to the mirror.

Only there is no mirror there. There never will be again. Just the empty, hollow, darkness that has become Jensen’s world. Even as he feels his eyelids slid down then up, there’s nothing. He sinks to the floor in a weak mass, tears streaming down cheeks from hazy white eyes that can no longer connect Jensen to the world.

*

Jared stares up at the large apartment building in a sense of awe and amazement. This is the type of place he’d kill to live in, right on the ocean edge where you could go out on your balcony and see nothing but the wide expanse of horizon. There was no way he’d ever make enough money to afford the type of rent this place charged though.

“Hey, you must be Jared Padalecki,” a soft female voice to his side startles him from the envious stare and Jared turns to her with sheepish grin.

“Yeah I am, sorry I got completely caught up in how amazing this place is… I’m guessing you’re Mackenzie Ackles?” He holds out a hand to her and she smiles, grasping it warmly.

“Yeah it’s okay; it still blows me away too, no worries.” She shifts the strap of her purse, reaching in to pull out a set of keys. “You want to head upstairs with me? Jensen’s probably still in bed so we can talk for a bit first, okay?”

Jared nods, running a hand through his hair and trying not to be nervous. This won’t be his first time as a care giver, but his expertise extends mostly to the older generation. Jensen Ackles, he’s been told, is only four years older then him. And obviously from a completely different world, Jared muses, to live in a building like this…

He follows Mackenzie through the glass front door and down the hall to a narrow staircase. Jared finds himself grimacing as they walk up three flights, already considering how the steps will limit his new client. “Lots of stairs,” he comments as they step onto the landing.

Mackenzie sighs, nodding with a backward glance at the staircase. “I haven’t talked to Jensen about them yet… honestly, he hasn’t really left the apartment since coming home from the hospital.”

Jared nods following her down the short hallway towards the large oak door there. He’s curious as to how long Jensen has been cooped up in his apartment but decides to hold back his questions in case the man is awake inside. Jared hates when people talk about him behind his back and figures Jensen will probably feel the same. Especially when it comes to such a sensitive subject.

“Jensen?” Mackenzie calls as she turns the key in the lock and pushes the front door open.

Jared is instantly treated to a full view of the ocean out large glass panels that make up the back wall. He exhales softly, eyes taking in hard wood floors, cream covered walls and stylish decorations. Its obvious Jensen has put a lot of thought into the apartment’s design and the feeling of envy once more sparks up in Jared.

“I’ll be right back,” Mackenzie says over her shoulder before disappearing down a hallway to the left.

Jared takes this time to observe the rest of the apartment. The kitchen, dinning and living room make up the large area. The furniture is sleek and modern, “Expensive…” Jared whispers, tracing a hand over the dark oak of the dinning room table.

Casually he moves to the sliding glass doors that lead to the balcony. Just faintly he can make out the crash of the waves on the beach below and he can’t hold back the wistful sigh. More then anything else Jared loves the ocean. It’s one of the main reasons he left his family behind in Texas to move to the unfamiliar California.

“Okay, sorry about that,” Mackenzie returns to the room and Jared turns to look at her.

“Everything alright?” He asks in concern upon seeing her strained features.

“Well… he’s still breathing,” she sighs and gestures to the couch. “Take a seat, anything to drink?”

“I’m fine, thanks,” Jared smiles politely and moves to sit on the black leather of the sofa. “So… is suicide a big concern with him?”

Mackenzie sits in the armchair across from him, crossing one leg over the other. “I think so, though it’s only to be expected. Jensen’s having a really hard time adjusting.”

Jared nods, he can’t begin to imagine what it would be like to have such a perfect life then suddenly loose your vision, consequently loosing everything, “What are the major things I’ll be taking care of?” He asks to change the topic and hopefully clear some of the sadness from Mackenzie’s face.

“Basic essentials,” she reaches into her purse and pulls out a sheet of paper, unfolding it to hand to him. “Grocery shopping, transportation, house cleaning, cooking, and helping him adjust. I’ve offered to do most of it but… well I think it feels too much like pity to him. Having hired help though, that will be different.”

“Makes sense,” Jared agrees, scanning over the paper in his hands that details the job requirements she’d just spoke of. “And does he know I’m here now?”

“I’ve told him, but I’m not sure he’ll come out here to say hello,” she licks her lips and glances back down the hallway. “Listen Jared, I’ll be honest with you, this isn’t going to be easy.”

Jared smiles softly, reaching out to take her hand reassuringly, “I’m use to things not being easy. Trust me, if I can handle changing the diaper of a 92 year old man with Alzheimer’s, I can handle Jensen.”

“Don’t expect him to be polite,” Mackenzie warns though she chuckles softly at Jared’s comment. “He hates everyone and everything at the moment. I’m also worried that he’s not eating.”

“Well, that will have to change,” Jared nods, drawing his hand back. “Would you like me to start working today?”

“I think it would be best if I at least introduce you two today,” Mackenzie worries her bottom lip for a moment before rising to her feet. “Then we can ask him if there’s anything he needs.”

Jared nods in agreement as he stands, moving to follow her down the hall.

*

Jensen wants to disappear. He wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole, but it doesn’t. Over and over his mind chants, this isn’t fair, this isn’t fair so its no surprise when the words fall from his lips as Mackenzie gently knocks on the door for the second time that morning.

“Oh I know honey,” she breaths and he listens to her pad gently across the room, feels the dip in the bed as she sits beside him. “Jensen your new care giver is here, his name is Jared Padalecki.”

Jensen flinches when instinct has him pushing up so he’s sitting. It’s not like he can really greet this man, he can’t even see him.

“Hi,” comes a deep, soft voice from the direction of the doorway. “I’m here to help with whatever okay? Don’t hesitate to ask.”

Jensen bites down on his lip hard and nods. He hates the idea of some stranger in his home, taking care of him, but can’t even begin to be alright with his sister or mother doing it instead. He is not a baby.

“Jensen?” Mackenzie rests a hand on his arm and Jensen feels tears prick along the rims of his eyes. He might not be able to see her but he can picture the concern etched on her features. “Have you eaten?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, flopping down onto his side and rolling out from under her touch. “Not hungry now anyways.”

It’s silent and Jensen wonders if Mackenzie and Jared are sharing a knowing look. He wonders if Jared is attractive or disgusting. Secretly he hopes he’s attractive, even if it makes him shallow to admit he doesn’t want someone disgusting taking care of him.

Then it hits him that it doesn’t matter because he’ll never see Jared and he’s instantly overcome with the urge to jump off the balcony and allow the ocean to carry him off. Or to vomit again, but he doesn’t think there’s anything left in his stomach but bile and that would burn too much.

“Jensen I’m going to have Jared clean up the front rooms okay?” Mackenzie rises from the bed and Jensen is grateful that he can return to soaking up the misery by himself. “I’ll have him check on you when he’s done, maybe he can make you some lunch?”

“Sure, whatever,” he mumbles softly and rolls onto his stomach, burying his face in a pillow and only half listening to the pair leaving the room.

*

A long sigh falls from Mackenzie’s lips as they walk into the kitchen. “I know you can’t force him to eat but if you could try to encourage it… I highly doubt he’s eaten anything today so…”

Jared frowns as he watches a tear trail down the girl’s cheek. “Hey, it’s going to be okay Mackenzie. Sure it’s gonna take some time but Jensen will adjust.”

“I know,” she nods, staring at her hands for a long moment before taking a deep breath and looking up at him. “So if you could just do a general cleaning. Maybe go through the cabinets and open up things that may be difficult for him. The company you work for said you’d taken care of a blind person before?”

“Yeah,” Jared nodded, though he knew there was a major difference between the old man he’d cared for that had gone blind over time and Jensen’s accident. “Can I ask a question?”

“Sure,” she nods, opening a drawer near her and pulling out a couple of keys.

“What happened? I mean, I know he was in some sort of accident but… what was it that made him blind?” He feels slightly guilty for asking, thinking of the pained expression etched onto Jensen’s face.

“It was a car crash,” she sighs softly and looks up at him. “I guess his car flipped several times and he was flung through the front windshield, his seat belt was severed somehow. He probably would have been alright but he landed by the car that hit his and just as he looked up the engine exploded. The doctor’s said it fried his retinas on the spot. There’s no way they can be fixed.”

“Wow,” Jared runs a hand through his hair and leans back against the counter. “That’s really awful… and how long since he’s been home?”

“About two weeks, he was in the hospital for around a month before that…” She shakes her head at this then reaches back into the drawer to pull out a pad of paper. “You can use this to make any sort of grocery list, of course you’re going to have to talk with Jensen and see what he would like.”

“Do you know if he has any favorite restaurants? Maybe I could get something for his lunch to tempt him to eat,” Jared suggests.

Mackenzie thinks for a minute before shaking her head, “No I’m not sure… Jensen and I… we aren’t exactly the best of friends.” She pauses as this before holding out the set of keys. “This is for the apartment building and this one is for the front door. You can discuss with Jensen what hours will be best to come by. My number is here on the fridge along with my mom’s and the doctor’s if you have any problems or emergencies…”  
Jared can’t help laughing a little as she trails off.

“I sound like I’m setting up a babysitter,” she chuckles too and wraps a hand around the strap of her purse. “Alright you know what you’re doing… so I’m just gonna get going. I’m sure I’ll see you soon Jared. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jared smiles and walks with her to the door. “See you later.”

He closes the door behind her, flipping the lock before turning back to scan the apartment. For the most part every surface is clean, almost to the point of looking unlived in. Far too clean for his own tastes, but he assumes it’s the way Jensen prefers it.

So he goes through the motions of dusting the hard surfaces in the living room, straightening the pillows on the sofa. He considers cleaning off the TV screen but the irony in that is too much and he decides against it.

Next he moves into the kitchen, Jared’s unsurprised to find the sink void of any dishes and the dishwasher only a quarter full. He wipes down every counter surface even going so far as to left objects and clean under them.

Finally he begins to sort through the cabinets. Most items are already neatly organized so there’s not much to do and he’s beginning to think Mackenzie might have underestimated her brother’s abilities.

When there’s nothing left to distract Jared, he slowly makes his way down the hall to the bedroom with only a slight sigh.

“Jensen?” He calls with a knock before pushing the door open.

Jensen’s body is facing the wall away from him and he makes no motion that he’s heard Jared.

“Um… I’ve cleaned up. Would you like to go get something for lunch?” He attempts, leaning against the door frame.

“No,” Jensen sits up this time and pushes himself out of the bed. Jared watches as he steadies himself with wide spread arms before walking around the bed in the direction of the attached bathroom. “I’m still not hungry.”

“Okay… well maybe I can make something for you to eat later? What sounds good?” He tries this attempt, watching as Jensen holds an arm out to touch the wall for guidance.  
He stops just inside the bathroom door frame, “Look, I know my sister thinks I’m not eating but I am. I don’t need you to baby me.”

“Alright, I won’t baby you,” Jared takes a step back instinctively. “But we do need to determine the hours you’d like me to come by and also a way for you to get a hold of me.”

“Just write your number down, I’ll be sure to call you if I need too,” sarcasm drips from his voice as he walks into the shiny white of the bathroom and reaches out to turn on the faucet.

Jared sighs, obviously this is going to be more difficult then he first anticipated. “I’ll program my number into your phone’s speed dial alright? Which number?”

“Six,” Jensen mumbles around a toothbrush in his mouth.

Jared can feel the tension like a heavy weight in the room and decides not to press his luck with the man any more. “Alright so I’ll program my number on six and feel free to call whenever you need anything okay? Otherwise I’ll be by tomorrow morning at…?”

Jensen spits toothpaste from his mouth onto the counter, barely missing the sink. When he realizes his mistake a flush crawls across his features and Jared watches him reach out for a wash rag to wipe at the saliva. It seems to take him a minute to remember Jared’s there but when he does he spins around to face him. “Shit, go away would you? Just leave.”

“Alright,” Jared licks his lips, surprised by the intense embarrassment shining on Jensen’s face. “Just tell me when to come back.”

“Ten, now get out,” Jensen whispers coldly.

Jared swallows and turns to leave, watching Jensen fall to a sitting position before he disappears down the hall. He shuts the door with a little more force then necessary so Jensen will hear it and know he’s gone.


	2. Chapter 2

Five days pass before Jared sees Jensen outside his bedroom. The morning had started like the others, him knocking softly on Jensen’s door before asking if the man would like anything special for breakfast. Previously, Jensen would claim he’d already eaten and Jared might have pushed the issue had he not seen the occasional wrappings from pop tarts or potato chips.

Honestly Jared can’t really blame Jensen for being so disheartened, though the attitude is beginning to wear on him.

This morning, though, Jensen mumbles something unintelligible into a pillow and Jared leans forward a little into the room before saying, “What was that?”

“Could you make me some toast with strawberry jelly?” Jensen’s voice is still soft and quiet but he’s lifted his head so Jared can actually understand him.

“Sure,” He smiles, stepping back from the doorway and heading towards the kitchen.  
He automatically assumes Jensen will take breakfast in his bedroom so when he turns to head that way – paper plate with three pieces of toast on it in hand – he’s fairly surprised to see Jensen standing just inside the living room.

Jared licks his lips, watching as Jensen reaches tentatively out, scooting a little to the left until his hand curls around the edge of the couch.

“Your toast is ready,” he says quickly, feeling oddly guilty for watching Jensen when the other man is unaware.

“I’d um… like to eat on the balcony,” Jensen whispers softly and taking a few steps forward fingers moving along the leather of the couch.

Jared quickly steps forward, switching the plate to his other hand and reaching out to guide Jensen with his left. “Sure, that sounds like a good idea.”

Jensen bites his bottom lip, nodding and allowing Jared to guide him to the balcony.  
When he is situated at the small dinning table outside, plate resting easily within reach, Jared lowers himself into the chair nearby. Jensen doesn’t say anything just reaches out to grasp the food between his fingers and Jared decides to take this time to really study him.

Out in the daylight his skin seems ghostly pale though Jared can make out the faint dusting of freckles across his cheeks. From what Jared can see Jensen seems virtually unharmed from the wreck. Some part of him thought there might be slight burn marks or something around the man’s eyes but there’s nothing. He wonders if Jensen may have scars under his clothing but knows better then to inquire.

There’s no denying that Jensen is an attractive man and, judging from photos Jared has seen around the apartment, he knows how to take full advantage of his good looks. In them Jared sees a Jensen very different from the one in front of him now. A man well dressed with a bright smile, arms over the shoulders of friends or family, green eyes shining with life and happiness.

“Jared? I’d like to go inside now,” Jensen pushes up out of his chair. There is still a piece and a half of toast left on the plate but Jared knows it’ll do no good to push. Instead he makes a mental note to mention the issue when Jensen has a doctor’s appointment.

Picking up the plate, he guides Jensen inside, wishing there was something he could say to bring even a hint of the man from those photos back.

*

“So Jared, how’s the blind dude?” Chad, Jared’s roommate and best friend, falls back onto the couch beside him, kicking legs up on the coffee table.

Jared sighs at the question. In the two weeks he’s been working with Jensen little had changed. Finally he had seen the man eat, which was good, though it hardly seemed enough to live on. He’d only needed to make one trip to the store and, despite his best attempts it had been impossible to get Jensen to leave the apartment. “Dude I dunno, it’s tough.”

“Of course it is,” Chad pops the cap off the beer in his hand and takes a long pull. “I’d fuckin’ kill myself if I went blind.”

“Yeah…” Jared nods, handing the remote control over to Chad. “Jensen had so much going for him too. You should see his apartment… I can’t help wondering how he’s gonna afford to live there or if he’ll move…”

“Shit I’d move, it’s just cruel irony to have some kick ass ocean view that you can’t even see,” Chad takes another long swig of his beer.

Jared has always envied Chad’s ability to be so honest and blunt. It’s a good quality among close friends but is also the very reason Chad would make a lousy care giver. He wouldn’t put up with Jensen’s moods, and would probably end up saying something like, ‘Dude, either fuckin’ kill yourself or get the fuck over it.’

He shudders a little thinking of how Jensen might react to a statement like that when his cells ring tone jerks him from his thoughts. Frowning, he holds it up to read the caller ID. A little wave of panic surges up in him as Jensen flashes across the tiny screen.

“Jensen?” He answers, already pushing himself up off the couch.

“Jared… can you come over? I need…” Jensen’s voice is small and breathy and Jared can tell he’s been crying.

“Yeah I’m on my way,” Jared slips easily into his shoes, grabbing his keys and vaguely waving to Chad over his shoulder as he heads out the door. “Jensen, are you hurt?”

“Um… I think I might be bleeding,” Jensen whispers in return and Jared nearly runs out the apartment building to his car.

“Don’t move. I’ll be there in 10 minutes,” he snaps closed the device and slides into the driver’s seat.

*

“Jensen?” Jared calls as he pushes open the oak front door.

“I’m here,” Jensen’s voice echoes from the direction of the kitchen.

Jared takes a few quick steps forward only to stop abruptly. “Oh god…” he breathes, taking in Jensen’s form.

The man’s legs are stretched out, back leaning against the cabinets. Around him are thousands of tiny shards from broken glasses and a small puddle of blood.

“Jensen, what happened?” Jared asks, trying to keep his voice calm as his body kicks back into gear and he moves to retrieve the dust pan and broom.

“I just wanted a cup of water,” Jensen sighs, his voice no longer sounds meek and sad, more irritated and annoyed. “I knocked into a couple of glasses, they fell and broke. Then I tried to clean up but… well obviously, not seeing where the glass is became a problem. I’m just glad the phone was already over here.”

It’s probably the most Jensen has ever said at one time to Jared and he can’t help smiling a little, which makes him feel guilty so he hurries to kneel beside him on the glass free side, “So it’s your feet that are cut then?”

Jensen bites his bottom lip and nods, turning his head away from Jared’s voice as if to hide his embarrassment.

Jared moves to his feet once more and slides one arm under Jensen’s knees, the other behind his back, “Okay, ready? One, two, three, and up…” he lifts Jensen easily from the ground and sets him on the counter by the sink. Jensen is so light Jared reconsiders how much the man might be eating.

“Shit,” Jensen hisses as his feet fall into the sink. “You’re fucking huge.”

“You’re fucking tiny,” Jared retorts, turning on the cool water and lifting one of Jensen’s feet. “Okay, this might sting a bit.”

It takes Jared a full half hour to ensure Jensen’s feet are completely free of any glass shards and then sterilized and bandaged. Jensen says very little during the procedure, only flinching when the hydrogen peroxide comes into contact with his fresh wounds.

Jared instructs him to stay put while he gives the floor a thorough cleaning. Another twenty minutes pass before he’s satisfied there are no remains that might hurt Jensen in the future.

“Okay, you can get down now,” Jared informs, holding out a hand to stable Jensen but not touching him. It hovers just by the shorter man’s arm, unseen but there just in case.

“Thank you,” Jensen says softly and gently lowers onto his bandaged feet. “Maybe I’ll invest in some plastic cups.”

Jared chuckles softly at this, still watching Jensen with concerned eyes.

“I’d offer to make you dinner in gratitude but seeing as how I put salt in my cheerios this morning it’s probably not wise,” Jensen gently pads into the living room, hands floating over nearby surfaces.

“See I knew we should have invested in a good salt and pepper shaker for you instead of those bowls,” Jared smiles, enjoying the unusually light banter of their conversation.

“Probably a good idea,” Jensen admits and sighs, falling down onto the couch. “Thanks again… you can go now.”

Jared sighs softly as the dismissive words sink into his nerves. It bothers him how cold Jensen is. Jared is a friendly guy by nature and has never had a problem clicking with a client before, even the oldest and grumpiest of ones. He never thought his biggest challenge would come with someone so close to his own age.

“Well, you know where I am if you should need me,” Jared says softly before turning and walking silently out of the apartment.

*

Jensen stands in front of his closet, trying desperately to fight back the helpless tears pressing against the rims of his useless eyes. Slowly he reaches out, trailing a hand over the expensive designer suits he’d once prided himself on.

Only a few months ago he had got a sales man fired for trying to pass of a navy blue knock off as a genuine black Armani suit. Now he feels slightly queasy because he’d never know the difference between any shade again.

It’s dangerous to allow his thoughts to continue down this path so he attempts to redirect them. His hand moves to a cotton shirt, its fabric stiff to suggest how seldom it has been worn. He pulls off his previous top, dropping it to the floor carelessly. Jensen can’t really be bothered to care about a neat and tidy home any longer.

Next he pulls on fresh jeans, hesitating as he finishes pulling up the zipper. Instinct has him turning towards the mirror on the wall beside his closet and he wonders how long it will take to break the habit.

Finding the nearest wall with an outstretched hand he gradually makes his way towards the kitchen. Even though he’s been living in this apartment for over a year Jensen doubts he’ll ever feel comfortable enough walking without some point of reference.

“Jared?” He calls out as the hallway walls end and he takes his first steps into the living room.

“Yes?” Jared’s voice comes from the direction of the kitchen and Jensen can smell bacon, hear it sizzling in the frying pan.

He wants to move to the high counter top and sit on the bar stools there but finds himself suddenly afraid to take any steps forward. There could be something on the floor to trip him, or he could get disoriented and walk into the table along the right wall. After the glass fiasco he’d rather not make a bigger fool out of himself.

“Could you… I’d like to sit on the bar stool,” he sighs softly, keeping his hands still at his side despite the urge to reach out and brace himself on something stable.

“Of course,” Jared is by him in a flash, taking an arm and easily navigating him to the counter.

Jensen listens to the stool scratching along the wood flooring and flinches, reaching out to lift it up, “Don’t drag it, there’ll be scratch marks.”

Jared gives a soft breathy chuckle and releases his hold on Jensen’s arm, “Sorry. Hope you’re hungry. I’ve made a delicious bacon, egg and cheese wrap with salsa, some toast and a fresh pot of coffee. Strawberry jelly?”

Jensen is always a little thrown by Jared’s early morning cheerfulness. Even if it is after 10 o’clock. “Yeah, thanks. And sugar in my coffee.”

Jared arranges the dishes in front of him and Jensen listens to their soft tap against the marble counter top. He finds he’s always listening to the little sounds now, like Jared’s exhale as he sets the plates down, to keep him sane. His fingers curl around the soft metal of the coffee mug’s handle when Jared places it by his finger tips. “I’ve put in two spoonfuls, but let me know if you want more.”

Jensen appreciates the effort Jared goes through to help him without making it feel as if he’s babying him. He knows he should treat the man a little nicer but can’t bring himself to care enough.

“Alright so your burrito is at 3 o’clock on your plate and your toast is at 9 o’clock with the jelly already on it. Let me know if you need anything else,” Jared instructs before Jensen can hear the clattering of dishes as he cleans up.

Jensen likes how Jared helps him eat without feeding him. How the other man makes things he can eat with his hands until he can adjust to guiding a fork to his mouth without spilling its contents. Then the placing of food so neatly on the plate so he doesn’t feel like a fumbling idiot when reaching out for it.

Eating quietly, he listens to Jared hum some random tune while running dishes under the faucet. The food is delicious and he considers telling Jared this but instead asks, “Jared? What color is my shirt?”

Jared’s humming falters and the clinking of a pan touching the side of the sink briefly stops. “It’s green, a dark forest green.”

“And I’m wearing blue jeans?” He confirms, reaching carefully for his coffee cup.

“Yes, they’re dark blue,” Jared’s tone is curious and Jensen can’t really blame him. After all, why would a blind man who doesn’t leave his apartment care what color his clothing is?

“So I match then, mostly at least?” He presses on.

“Yes, though I’ll be honest and admit I’m not a fashion guru or anything,” Jared laughs and the pan clinking resumes once more.

Jensen feels a small smile tug at the corners of his lips and is so surprised he raises a hand up to touch it. He honestly can’t remember the last time something made him smile.

Finishing the rest of his meal in silence Jensen considers the major pros and cons of his situation. Or mostly cons because he’s having a hard time coming up with any pros. It’s an idea his sister suggested in order to help him ‘pick up the pieces and move on.’

He hadn’t considered how the pondering would affect his features and is subsequently startled by Jared’s question, “Everything okay? You look pissed off.”

“I am,” Jensen admits honestly with a shrug. “But it’s not you or anything.”

“Then what it is?” Jared asks and Jensen knows he’s trying to be friendly and helpful, but he’s mostly coming off as nosy.

“I should think it’s pretty obvious,” he answers shortly and pushes the plate away. There’s still a third of the burrito left and piece of toast but it’s more then he’s eaten in one sitting in awhile.

“Right, duh,” Jared sighs softly. “I’m sorry I’m really not this slow most of the time.”

“Just around me?” Jensen asks, pushing the stool back and standing.

“Something like that,” Jared replies quietly though his voice is right by Jensen’s side.  
“Would you like to go out on the balcony? Or it’s very nice out, we could take a walk down to the beach.”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head and holds out an arm. “Just back to the hallway please.”

Obediently, Jared places a large hand on his elbow and leads him the short distance to the hallway, pushing up on Jensen’s arm so his hand touches the wall. “I’m gonna finish cleaning up then work on some laundry and things out here okay? Let me know if you need anything.”

“Okay,” Jensen makes his way slowly down the hall and is more then grateful when he can finally collapse down onto his bed. It’s quiet in his room, only the distant crash of the waves to keep him company, and Jensen wonders – not for the first time – why he even bothers anymore.

*

Jensen has been dreading this day though he knows it’s unavoidable. If he had his way the doctor would come to him to do the check up, but the world didn’t work that way and Jensen would never shell out the kind of money to get a private doctor who would.

“Do you…” Jared’s voice is hesitant and Jensen knows he’s about to ask a question that will sting. Even if he doesn’t mean to. “Do you need help with your shoes?”

He nods silently and tries to ignore the bite of self pity. It’s not as if he can’t put his own shoes on, it’s just he’s never taken the time to organize his shoes at the bottom of his closet and there’s no guarantee he’d pick a matching pair. Better to have Jared pick the pair out for him and save himself from further embarrassment later on.

“Here you go,” Jared sets the sneakers on his lap, placing a pair of socks in his palm and Jensen is glad he doesn’t offer to help put them on or anything.

Jared’s very good at being helpful but smothering. He’s probably one of the main reasons Jensen has stayed somewhat sane. Had he been depending on Mackenzie or his mom – despite how much he loves them – he’d probably have lost it by now.

“All ready then?” Jared asks gently once Jensen’s tied both shoes.

Jensen sighs, standing up and holding out a hand to touch Jared’s arm. “I guess. Let’s just get this over with.”

Jared chuckles softly and they head from Jensen’s bedroom, down the hallway and out the oak front door.

The first obstacle – that Jensen actually kind of forgot about – is the stairs. Fear grips tightly at him though when Jared steps hesitate and he says calmly, “Okay, I’m gonna go first.”

“Fuck,” Jensen whispers, hand clenching tighter on Jared’s arm.

Jared’s voice is soft and reassuring beside him, “Hey, you can do this okay? I’ll be one step ahead so you can use either me or the hand rail for guidance. We’ll take it nice and slow and stop whenever you want.”

Jensen licks his lips and reaches out for the cool metal of the railing, keeping the other hand firmly attached to Jared’s arm. Each step down makes his stomach dip slightly and he wonders if he’ll be able to keep down his breakfast.

It takes almost twenty minutes to descend the three flights of the spiraling staircase and Jensen is vaguely glad Jared was wise enough to have them leave early.

“They need a fucking elevator,” Jensen says quietly when they finally reach the ground floor and the panic begins to ebb away.

Jared laughs, “I agree, though climbing this thing daily has seriously cut back on my need to go to the gym.”

Jensen snorts, shaking his head and once more gripping Jared’s arm.

Compared to the first event of their journey everything else goes rather smoothly. Jensen has to take long deep breaths during the car ride, hating the feeling of traveling so fast and not being able to see the passing miles. But they make it to the doctor’s office and Jensen admits – silently to himself – that it’s nice to be out of the stuffiness of his apartment.

*

“Well Mr. Ackles, everything looks good,” the doctor says, glancing at the pad of paper on her clipboard.

Jared watches Jensen nod at this. He was a little surprised when Jensen insisted he stay in the examination room with him but is glad to help in any way. He wants a few words with the doctor but isn’t sure how to approach the subject. Turns out he doesn’t have to when she speaks up once more.

“The only real serious concern I have is your weight loss. I expected a small drop because of a few of the meds you’re on but this amount seems unhealthy. Have you been eating enough?”

Jensen tenses at this and Jared wonders if he’s worrying about what Jared might say to this.

The doctor glances towards him and Jared silently shakes his head, feeling bad for giving up Jensen’s secret but, honestly, he is a care giver for a reason.

“You need to eat Jensen,” the doctor sighs softly when Jensen remains silent. “I understand you having to make some real adjustments to life but starving yourself isn’t going to help. I don’t want to be forced to take the issue into my own hands but I will if I don’t see a change. So please eat.”

Jensen nods, looking a little shameful and Jared feels bad for him. The only thing worse then being lectured by your mother is being lectured by your doctor.

“Well, besides that I think you’re doing very well,” the doctor goes on and rises to lay a comforting hand on Jensen’s arm. “Do you have any questions or concerns you’d like to address?”

“No,” Jensen finally speaks and pushes off the table, hand reaching out and Jared finds himself offering up an arm automatically.

The doctor smiles sweetly at him, “Okay well you two have a good day. We’ll have you come back next month for a final check up.”

Jensen nods and Jared leads the way out of the doctor’s office, stopping at the receptionist’s desk to make the follow up appointment. As they head out to the car Jensen’s sigh is soft, “Everyone seems to think this should be easy.”

Jared considers this, reaching in his pocket to pull out his keys. “I don’t think it should be easy. I think it’s probably the hardest thing you’ll ever have to go through.”

Jensen nods, hand tightening almost subconsciously around Jared’s arm as they come to a stop in the parking lot, “Probably… it just feels like too much. I know I’m disappointing my mom and Mackenzie. I’m disappointing the doctor…”

Jared’s heart clenches tightly at this, everything in him aching to make this better for the man. “Jensen,” he says softly, unsure what he could say to make it even remotely better. Instead he does what comes naturally to him, opening his arms to wrap around Jensen’s smaller form.

Jensen tenses at this and for one brief, horrible, moment Jared thinks he might be pushed away. Then, very slowly, Jensen brings his arms up to lay against Jared’s back, head resting against Jared’s shoulder.

They stand like this for several long minutes until Jensen finally slides back, head down, and Jared can see the faint rise of color along his cheeks. “Thanks,” he says very softly.

Jared smiles and reaches out to open the passenger door, “You’re welcome. And just so you know, you aren’t a disappointment to me okay? If it takes you months or even years to adjust that’s okay. I’m pretty sure your family feels the same way, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Jensen nods, allowing Jared to guide him into the car, “Yeah…”

Jared shuts the door once Jensen is securely inside and heads to the driver’s side, unable to fight back the smile dancing along his lips. With only a mild wave of guilt he finds himself grateful that Jensen can’t see the giddy happiness painting his face.

“Oh and I was right,” Jensen adds when Jared slides into the drivers side.

“Right about what?” Jared asks curiously, starting up the car.

“You are fucking huge,” Jensen laughs softly, head falling against the passenger window. Jared laughs as well, warmth swimming up in him. Distantly he realizes this is the first laugh he’s heard from Jensen, maybe he shouldn’t be so overwhelmed with joy at such a tiny thing but is regardless.


	3. Chapter 3

“What color is your hair?”

Jared jumps up, washrag falling to the floor as he whirls around towards Jensen, “Holy shit dude, I didn’t even hear you! Don’t sneak up on a guy like that!”

Jensen laughs softly, “That’s what you get for cleaning my bathroom even when I told you it’s unnecessary.”

“It’s completely necessary,” Jared insists, bending to pick up the rag. He doesn’t add that the room is probably a lot messier then Jensen thinks it is, though he’s pretty sure Jensen can sense the unspoken comment. “It’s my job. You know, the reason I get paid the big bucks.”

“Sure you do,” Jensen chuckles, leaning against the bathroom’s door jamb. “Anyways, your hair color?”

“Oh um… brown,” he glances over at Jensen curiously. “Why?”

“What about your eyes?” Jensen continues, running a hand along the back of is neck.

“Green… hazel green” Jared sets down the rag again, taking a few steps towards Jensen. “Why?”

“And you’re, what… 7’?” He laughs, looking up as if sensing Jared’s movements.

Jared laughs as well, “No, more like 6’4”. What’s with the questions Jensen?”

“I deserve to know what you look like. I mean, you spend most of the day here and you’re practically a stranger to me,” Jensen turns and walks back into the bedroom, stopping suddenly and turning back towards Jared. “Are you… do you have a girlfriend?”

Jared snorts, more then a little caught off guard by the question, “Well um, no.”

“You sure? You didn’t sound very confident about that answer,” Jensen laughs, rocking forward on the balls of his feet, eyes fixed on a spot just past Jared’s shoulder.

“Oh I am. Sure I mean,” he ran a hand nervously through his hair. Though he’d been working at Jensen’s apartment for over a month now, and he felt fairly comfortable with the man, you never knew how a person would react to his situation. “I’m um… well I’m gay.”

“Oh,” Jensen’s movements stop, a faint flush crawling across his cheeks. “I had no idea.”

“Of course not,” Jared chuckles, even more nervous then before. Jensen didn’t look disgusted but Jared could practically feel the tension blanketing the room. “I don’t exactly go advertising it to my employers. People may generally be more accepting these days but you still never know.”

“It’s not something you have to worry about,” Jensen quickly explains, taking a few steps towards Jared. “I wouldn’t… I don’t… look I’m gay too okay? Or I think. So it’s okay.”

“You think?” Jared arches an eyebrow, stepping into the bedroom as well.

“Yes,” Jensen nods, licking his lips. “I… well I’ve never been in a relationship with a guy. I’ve only fooled around a bit. I’m pretty sure I’m more attracted to men. Not that it really matters now.”

Jared frowned, “Why wouldn’t it matter?”

With a sigh Jensen turned and moved to the bed, sitting on the edge, “Well who’s gonna date me now? Think about it, nobody wants to take care of their partner. Not if they know what they’re getting into. It’s one thing if you’re with someone for life and then they get injured you might stick around. But who’s gonna want a blind boyfriend?”

Jared is more then a little stumped on how to respond to this. By this point he’s fairly used to Jensen’s pessimism, and he’s stopped arguing the reasons Jensen should get out and face the world again. Hearing that he’d given up on finding anyone to spend his life with was a little heartbreaking to Jared.

“Jared?” Jensen asked when the silence stretched into minutes. There was a note of worry in his voice, as if Jensen thought Jared would actually leave without saying anything.

That hurt Jared almost as much as Jensen’s previous statement and he sucked in a harsh breath, “Yeah I’m here. Sorry… you just…” Jared cleared his throat, uneasy with the wave of emotions crawling through him. “I’m gonna go vacuum in the living room then head home. See you tomorrow.”

Jared didn’t wait to see what Jensen might have to say in response to this. Instead he hurried to the hall closet, pulling out the vacuum and plugging it in at record speed. He moved with a vigorous pace and refused to acknowledge the twisting in his gut. Or the nagging feeling that he may care for Jensen more then he realized.

*

“So do you have a boyfriend?” Jensen asks first thing the next morning, sliding onto the stool.

Jared sighs from his position over the frying pan. “No, I don’t.” By the time Jared had arrived home last night he had resolved to not bring up any relationship topics again with Jensen. After all it was logical to be feeling something, he spent more time with him then anyone else. Then there was the whole sympathy thing.

Though Jared didn’t think that had much to do with it.

“I’m sorry, obviously you don’t want to talk about it,” Jensen’s voice sounds a little defeated and Jared’s gut once more twists uneasily.

“You don’t have-“ Jared stops abruptly as he turns to face Jensen, laughter swallows the rest of the sentence.

Jensen, who is unaware that he’s wearing a bright pink Barbie shirt, stands quickly, “What the fuck? What’s so funny?”

By this point Jared doubles with laughter. He feels only mildly guilty for laughing at Jensen because the man owns the shirt already and that’s hilarious by itself. “Dude…” he sputters, gasping for air around his laughs.

Jensen moves into the kitchen, arms crossing over the large blond Barbie on his chest as his face molds into his fairly common pissed off expression, “Jared.”

The pictures this paints is even more ridiculous and Jared collapses on the floor, tears streaming out the corners of his eyes. He might not find the situation so funny if he wasn’t using it to release some bent up emotions.

“Jared!” Jensen huffs, taking several steps forward. Stopping, he tilts his head to the side and sniffs. “Is something burning?”

“Shit!” Jared jumps up, grabbing the pan from the stove and tossing it in the sink. “Aw man and I really wanted pancakes!”

“Well if you hadn’t spontaneously combusted,” Jensen mumbles, scrunching his nose up. “What the hell was so funny?”

Jared opens the window above the sink before turning on the faucet and letting it run over the smoking frying pan, “Well um…” he turns back towards Jensen, moving to stand directly in front of him and reaching out to tug the shirt. “You’re kinda wearing a pink Barbie shirt.”

A flush spreads quick across Jensen’s face and he pulls the shirt up over his head, “Fucking Chris. It was a Christmas present. Long story, don’t ask. Just throw it away okay?” He holds the shirt out for Jared to take.

Jared, however, can’t move his eyes from Jensen’s sculpted abs. He wets his lips, cock stirring in admiration of the sight.

“Jared?” Jensen questions, shaking the shirt in his hand.

He clears his throat, quickly grabbing the item and spinning around. “Right, I’ll throw it um… in the garbage.”

“Good idea,” Jensen chuckles, turning and reaching out to trace the counters edge. “I’m gonna need to do some clothes shopping. Think we can go after breakfast?”

“Uh… yeah,” Jared adjusts himself, eyes now tracing the curves of Jensen’s bare back.

“And Jared?” Jensen heads towards his bedroom. “Cereal is just fine.”

Jared snorts and moves to clean up his mess and throw the shirt away.

*

“You look good in green, especially this green!” Jared insists, pressing the soft fabric against Jensen’s chest.

Jensen frowns and fingers the shirt uncertainly, “And it’s completely plain? No patterns on it?”

“Dude, you’re gonna have to trust me,” Jared sighs, sorting through the clothing rack in front of him. “I’m not looking to embarrass you. After all, I’ve got to be seen with you right? Don’t want you looking like an idiot if we run into someone I know, could ruin my reputation.”

Jensen snorts, laying the shirt across his arm along with the others Jared had already picked out. His deepest insecurities about his appearance threaten to bubble over and he is constantly biting his tongue to keep from shouting that this isn’t him. Jensen wears nice Armani suits, not faded blue jeans and t shirts.

“Jensen?” A soft female voice comes from the left of him and he turns instinctively towards it.

It has been over two months since he’s last seen any of his friends, isn’t even bothering to return their calls, but he would recognize the girl’s anywhere, “Danneel?”

“Oh my god! I’ve been so worried!” She hurries forward, throwing her arms around Jensen’s shoulders.

He bites his lip, trying not to step out of the contact and hurt his friend’s feelings. Except for the few times he’s needed Jared’s assistance he hasn’t touched or been touched by anyone in some time. Jensen isn’t sure why it unsettles him so but it does and when she pulls away he steps back a few paces, “I’m sorry. I should have called.”

“Yes, you should have,” she sounds hurt and Jensen fells a little overwhelmed with guilt. “Who’s this?”

“I’m Jared Padalecki, a friend of Jensen’s,” Jared introduces himself and Jensen can feel him shift forward, presumably to shake Danneel’s hand.

“Danneel Harris, also a friend of Jensen’s though I don’t think I’ve heard of you before Jared Padalecki. You are quite the handsome one,” she giggles and Jensen could hear the flirty tone to her words.

“He’s a recent addition to the list,” he offers, a little surprised by the twist of jealousy her words stir up in him. He wants to see Jared, wants to know if his appearance matches the rest of him. Which is pretty much perfect though he’s not going to admit it.

“Oh I see,” Danneel speaks as if Jensen is hinting at something more then he really is but he doesn’t bother to correct her. When Jared doesn’t either he fells a little relived. “So um… how have you been? Since the accident and all…”

His stomach churns with the question he knows is inevitable. It is one of the main reasons he is avoiding his friends. How can he explain the depression a world of darkness can bring? How can he explain that some days he just wants to end it all because he can’t see the point in carrying on?

A firm hand comes to rest on the small of his back and warmth spreads through him. It is a little surprising that Jared can sense his unease so easily but then again, Jensen’s emotions are all he ever knew. He never met the man Jensen was before the crash.

“I’ve been… well. Or as well as you can expect considering,” He shrugs, moving slightly to the right so he can feel the heat of Jared’s body along his side, the hand still resting comfortably at the bottom of his spine.

“Good,” the smile in her voice tells him she picks up on his body movements. He only hopes she doesn’t push the issue. He knows she’s accepting of him no matter what, he just doesn’t want to draw attention to Jared’s actions and have them end. “Well, you really should call Jensen. I’d like to come over, hang out for awhile?”

“Yeah,” Jensen nods, wetting his lips because he doesn’t want his voice to crack and give away the lie. He’s not about to fool himself into thinking he can just hang out with friends like he used to. They would most likely overcompensate for his disability and just make the whole thing awkward. “I’ll call you.”

“You do that! Nice to meet you Jared, I’m sure I’ll see you soon,” she says and Jensen smirks at the pressing note in her tone. It’s almost a warning for Jared to ensure that Jensen calls.

“Nice to meet you too,” Jared’s hand moves along the curve of Jensen’s waist band as he shifts and Jensen swallows thickly.

As Danneel disappears into the crowd and Jared returns to his shifting through the clothing racks Jensen marvels at the desire spiraling through his system. In the months since the accident he hasn’t been turned on by anything, didn’t think he ever would be again. And then there was Jared.

*

Jensen sits on the couch in the dark but then it is always dark for him now. He had carefully made his way to the porch doors, opening them wide before sitting on the cool leather. Now he basks in the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. He can make out the distant laughter of a child with her parents, probably heading home for the day, and if he listens hard enough Jensen can swear he hears the faint cry of dolphins.

His stomach rumbles but he ignores it, most of the time he has little energy to eat. This time, however, Jensen is choosing not to because forty five minutes ago Jared had called.

Jensen had been walking back and forth from his bedroom to his kitchen, through the dinning room and back down the hall. Something he did when he was alone, to slowly gain the confidence of walking through darkness without guidance. Generally he allowed all phone calls to go to voice mail, he figures anyone important enough would wait through the machine.

So when the ring broke the almost silence of the apartment he didn’t move toward it, instead continued to circle the dining table. Halfway back to his bedroom he paused as Jared’s laugh filled the room.

“Okay I know you’re there and I know you’re not gonna answer, but if you’re naked consider this a fair warning! Because I’m coming over. I’ll be there in an hour. And don’t eat! Later!”

Now Jensen sits on the couch, twisting his fingers together with nerves he is unaccustomed too. Really, he feels a little foolish because Jared comes over every day, had been there less then four hours ago, but somehow this fells different. Most likely because this is evening and Jared isn’t getting paid to come over.

Jensen tugs on the soft silk of the button down shirt he’d settled on, hoping it isn’t the light blue one that threw off his complexion in a not so flattering way. He hates the light blue one but hadn’t gotten around to throwing it out before the accident. He feels a little silly for changing shirts but he can easily say he’d already undressed for the night when the call came.

There is a light knock on the door and Jensen stands, turning to it. He waits, assuming Jared will just let himself in, but when another knock follows he moves across the living room to open it instead.

“Hello,” Jared says the minute Jensen pulls the door open. “You look nice. Blue is your color.”

Jensen takes a step back to let Jared in, “Light blue?”

“Dark blue,” Jared chuckles as he walks inside. Jensen feels the warm brush of his arm followed by the distinct smell of pizza. “Did you mean to wear light blue?”

“I meant not too,” he shrugs, shutting the door and turning back towards his living room. “Pizza huh?”

Jared laughs, the noise drifting as he moves into the kitchen, “Sure. You do like pizza right?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean… who doesn’t?” Jensen moves to the kitchen as well but miscalculates, stubbing his pinky toe hard against the wall. “Ow! Fuck!”

Jared’s strong hands cup around his arms, holding him steady, “Yikes, I think I heard that from across the room. Are you alright?”

A harsh chuckle falls from his lips to cover the bite of tears along his eye lids. “I um… I think so. Shit that hurt.” He stops short when arms wrap tight around his form, a large hand smoothing along the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry…” Jared holds him for a moment more before stepping back. “Oh! I brought you a gift! Or two actually.”

Jensen, who is still in a daze from the unexpected contact, wets his lips and repeats slowly, “Gift?”

“Yeah,” there is a rustling of a bag and then Jared is once more in front of him, grasping his hand to place a thin pole against his palm. “It’s um… well a walking cane. You know, the red and white ones? So you can tap against things. Hopefully there will be no more stubbed toes.”

“Wow,” Jensen smiles softly, running his fingers over the cool metal of the stick. Something unnameable stirs in him as he taps the stick against the counter.

“And then there’s um…” Jared trails off as he shifts through another bag. Jensen listens to the opening of cardboard, a silly smile still playing along his lips.

“You didn’t have to do this,” he speaks up, leaning back against the wall. The pain in his toe has virtually disappeared, Jared definitely does a good job distracting him from it.

Jared laughs happily, tapping at something that sounds distinctly plastic. “I know. I wanted to though. There, all set.”

“The time is 7:42.” A robotic voice follows Jared’s final tap.

Jensen laughs, “A talking clock?”

“Well it’s good to know what time it is; doesn’t it drive you crazy not knowing?” Jared asks, sounding a little unsure.

“It does. I figured it was just something I had to get used to,” Jensen shrugs and steps towards the place the Jared’s voice is coming from. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” his voice is soft and much closer then Jensen had anticipated. “So you up to some pizza on the deck?”

“Why are you here Jared? Nothing better to do on a Friday night then hang out with a blind man?” Jensen asks, taking another small step towards the man. He can feel the heat of his body and Jensen knows if he were to raise his hand he would be able to touch the soft fabric of the man’s t shirt.

“I wanted to come,” Jared’s voice once more twists with uncertainty. Jensen tilts his head as he listens to the quiet exhale. “I wanted to spend time with you when I wasn’t getting paid too.”

Jensen’s heart twists tightly and he raises his hand slowly moving up towards, what he hopes is, Jared’s face. He uses the acceleration of breaths coming from the man to judge his direction and finally finger tips touch soft skin. Gently he traces along the jaw line then up, hovering just over smooth lips.

“If this,” he whispers, leaning forward slightly. “If this isn’t what you want, please stop me now because I can’t see your expression and-“

He is cut off mid sentence by Jared gently grasping his hand, pulling it down, and he is about to take a step backward – flush already spreading across his cheeks – when a sharp tug brings him forward.

“I didn’t think you’d ever figure it out,” Jared whispers before pressing his lips against Jensen.

Jensen has kissed with his eyes closed before, naturally most people do, but kissing when you are unable to open your eyes turns out to be a completely different experience. As if making up for the lack of one sense, Jared’s lips feel extra soft, his taste extra exotic. He presses his chest against the heat of Jared, loosing himself in the overwhelming sensations.

After a few long minutes he pulls back, gasping for air and more then a little dizzy. “Wow, sensory overload.”

Jared laughs, squeezing the hand he is still holding, “Yeah. Definitely time for a pizza break.”

Jensen laughs too and nods, deciding it would be best to not try and name the swell of emotions that have been building in him the past few days and instead go with the flow.

Later that night, after the two have their fill of pizza and sit closer then necessary on the porch talking quietly about nothing in general, Jensen lay in bed thinking of Jared’s lips against his own. They had shared a heated goodnight kiss, which had left him just as dizzy and the last thought Jensen has before drifting off is, if a kiss riles him up this much he can’t imagine what the sex will be like.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing Jensen does the next morning, after stumbling out of bed and down the hallway, is tap the clock still sitting on the kitchen counter.

“The time is 7:52,” the robotic voice tells him and he sighs, walking to the back door and sliding it open to inhale the thick salty air of the ocean.

This may possibly be the earliest Jensen has been up since he reached his late teens. Briefly he considers trying to go back to sleep but his lips tingle with the distant memory of the kisses from last night and his body stirs with arousal.

He groans in frustration. Something in him can’t help thinking this is going to be a habit and he’s really not completely okay with that. After all, having a crush on Jared is kind of making him feel like a thirteen year old girl. He can’t remember the last time he had a crush on someone.

Silently he moves to the couch, deciding to sit and do some serious thinking about his feelings towards the man is a wise idea and there is no better place to do that then the cool leather of his sofa. Only when he sits it’s not cool leather, it’s warm flesh that lurches up in surprise.

“What the fuck?!” He gasps, jumping up and back, legs bumping up against the table and sending him falling hard onto the floor.

“Jensen! Man, I’m so sorry!” Jared is by his side in a heartbeat, wrapping firm hands around Jensen’s arms to help him up. “God, are you hurt?”

Jensen groans, rubbing his ass where he can already feel a bruise forming, “Jared. I’m assuming you have some logical reason for being here.”

“Oh um…” Jared chuckles nervously and Jensen feels the heat of him shift away as the man takes a step back. “Chad and I are kinda in a fight.”

“Lovers spat?” Jensen asks and he’s only half joking because he has no idea who Chad is and why them being in a fight leads to Jared sleeping on _his_ couch.

This time Jared’s laugh is only full of amusement and it drifts away as Jared moves towards the kitchen. “He wishes. No, Chad’s my roommate. Let me get some ice for you ass.”

Jensen laughs softly, only Jared can say something like that and sound so sincere. “So what was the fight about?”

He listens to ice fall from the fridge and Jared’s slightly annoyed groan, “He’s just being a dick. I was supposed to go to this club with him last night but I wanted to come here and he said if I was going to come here then I should just stay the night here ‘cause he didn’t want to see me.”

“So you just slept on my couch?” Jensen quirks an eyebrow because this is more then a little strange to think Jared just never left last night. He could have sworn he heard the door shut.

“No, contrary to popular belief I’m not that creepy,” he laughs again, coming to stand by Jensen and placing a bag of ice, covered in a dish towel, in the palm of his hand. “I went home but the asshole dead bolted the door and wouldn’t let me in. I was going to sleep in my car but yeah… I’m kind of a giant and they don’t make backseats in my size.”

Jensen moves to sit on the couch, hissing a little as the ice comes to rest on the tender area. “I see. So then you slept on my couch?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry dude, I would have asked but you were sleeping so peacefully,” Jared’s voice is soft and timid and Jensen’s not sure he can continue to act upset about this.

“It’s okay Jared, I’m not mad. I’m just glad you had somewhere to go you felt comfortable,” Jensen smiles softly, tilting his head towards Jared as the couch dips beside him.

A large, warm hand covers his thigh, squeezing gently, “Yeah well, considering this is the place I enjoy being the most, I’d hope it’s comfortable.”

Jensen feels his face flush and dips his head down to hide the fact. He doesn’t tell Jared how much he enjoys having him here. but the thought registers clearly in his mind.

“Hey,” Jared breaths, tucking strong fingers under Jensen’s jaw and angling his head up. He presses soft lips against Jensen’s cheek. “I’d kiss you but I don’t think we’re ready for morning breath yet.”

Jensen chuckles softly, reaching a hand up to trace along Jared’s firm jaw line. He bites his bottom lip as the features paint a picture under his fingertips. Jared’s skin is silky smooth unlike anything he’s ever felt. He pauses along Jared’s neck, feeling the skip of his pulse. There’s something strangely erotic about this, like he’s connected to Jared on a higher level. “Am I making you nervous?”

“No,” Jared breaths, leaning into his touch. “You’re turning me on though.”

Jensen chuckles again, slowly pulling his fingers back, “Sorry. I think I’ll go take a shower.”

Jared swallows so thick Jensen can hear it before clearing his throat. “I’m gonna um… head back to my place and demand entry. I’ll be back around ten, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jensen pushes himself up, placing a hand on Jared’s shoulder as he walks by. “Just tell Chad you had to sleep in a gutter and almost got mugged. He’ll take pity on you.”

“You don’t know Chad,” Jared laughs loudly, rising from the couch to slip on his shoes.

*

“So I think I have a solution to your problem,” Jared says around a mouthful of French Toast, a few days after the couch sleeping incident.

Jensen arches an eyebrow curiously, “And what problem would that be?”

“The clothing issue,” Jared states as if it should be obvious. Jensen doesn’t bother to point out that he’s got quite a few problems in his life and most he would really like solutions for. “I was doing some research and I came across this site that’s all about organizing a closet for someone who’s blind. It had some really helpful tips.”

“Research?” Jensen leans over the plate before bringing the fork to his mouth, not wanting to have syrup drip on his shirt and him be unaware. The flavor explodes in his mouth and, not for the first time, he is surprised by how well Jared can cook.

“Um… yeah,” Jared takes a loud gulp of orange juice and Jensen chuckles because he knows the man is embarrassed. Somehow he’s learned these little things just by listening to him. “Look I’m just trying to find things that might make your life easier.”

Jensen smiles fondly, “I appreciate it. So we’ll be working on my closet then?”

“Yup!” He sounds so excited Jensen can’t help laughing again. He’s never met anyone like Jared, so full of energy and optimism. It’s a little unnerving but completely intoxicating. He’s pretty sure feeding off Jared’s energy is one of the few things keeping him going.

After breakfast is finished and the dishes done they move into Jensen’s room. He flops down on the bed facing the closet, head cupped in his hands. “What’s the master plan then?”

“Well it says to sort them by types, like formal, casual, beachwear and such. So um…” Jared sorts through the hangers and Jensen listens to metal moving along metal as things are rearranged. “On the left will be your formal stuff, all your suits. Then we’ve got semi casual, like the khaki and button downs. Next is t-shirts and jeans and last is the super causal stuff okay?”

Jensen chuckles, not sure he has anything that would fall into the category of super casual. Not hanging up at least, “Alright, I think I can remember that.”

“Right! So the next thing we do is set up outfits. I’m going to put the pants on the bar part of the hanger and the shirt over them okay?” Jared laughs. “You’re gonna have to tell me what matches. I suck when fashion is the topic.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” Jensen sighs. It takes them a good half hour to pair up the clothing into matching sets but he doesn’t mind that much. He knows Jared is trying his hardest to make the world a little easier for him and Jensen does appreciate it. For the first time in weeks that feeling of complete and utter helplessness seems to dissipate some.

“Now your drawers. I know you have them mostly arranged already but let’s see what we can do to sort them more,” Jared moves across the room to the dresser, pulling open the top drawer. “Oh so you’re a boxers man eh?”

Jensen laughs, “God Jared, going through my underwear drawer? Are you sure you’re not some creepy stalker?”

“Damn, you figured it out,” Jared teases, sliding the drawer closed and moving down to the next one. “I’m going to match up these socks okay? Dark colored ones will be on the left side and light on the right.”

Jensen listens to him shift through fabric, smiling softly. He’s a little surprised how comfortable he is with Jared going through his drawers but decides it’s just another sign of him coming to grips with reality.

“So I’m pairing up your shorts and t-shirts too. The t-shirt will be on top and the matching shorts beneath them. Does light blue match with khaki?”

“Not the light blue, throw out the light blue,” Jensen laughs.

Jared joins him in the laugh, tossing the offending item onto the bed, “Out with the light blue.”

“Thank god, I hate that color on me,” he sighs wistfully, and looks towards Jared when he speaks again.

“Lastly I’m going to lay out your shoes in the same order on the bottom of the closet okay? From the nicest down to the most casual,” Jared kneels as he speaks, sorting through the shoes quickly. “I guess its good you only have one pair of sneakers, no worries about mixing up those colors.”

“I only wore dress shoes at work so sneakers were never a priority,” Jensen shrugs, rolling over onto his back and folding his arms under his head.

“What did you do before? If you don’t mind me asking,” Jared questions, nervousness laced through his words.

Jensen realizes he hasn’t told Jared anything about himself from before the accident. He’s not sure he wants Jared to know how he used to be but thinks lying is not a good alternative, “I worked in advertising and marketing. Did a lot of designs for some major companies.”

“Wow, so you’re like, an artist?” Jared ask, crawling to the edge of the bed and leaning back against it.

“I guess you can say that. Though it was all done on the computer,” Jensen can still see his office in his mind’s eye. Large glass windows overlooking the city, freshly polished furniture. It screamed wealth and power. Looking back now he can hardly believe how many hours he wasted there. “God. I threw my life away at that place.”

“What do you mean?” Jared’s obviously concerned at the random statement, turning to kneel by the bed and lay his head beside Jensen’s.

He sighs deeply, turning to face him. “I spent hours and hours slaving away over projects. It was all about the client, satisfying their every wish and command. I wanted to take over the company and I’d do anything for it. My sister, my mom, hell even my friends came second to that one goal. And what was it all for? Nothing. Because here I am, blind, and I’ll never work again.”

Jared sighs softly, running a hand soothingly along Jensen’s forehead, “You might not work again Jen but maybe it was for the best.”

“Excuse me?” He rolls onto his stomach once more, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“Maybe loosing your vision was all for the best. It’s not too late you know? You can fix things with Mackenzie and your mom. With your friends. You’ll probably have to figure out some source of income but-“

“No I won’t,” Jensen interrupts, shaking his head as he laces his fingers together and a soft blush colors his cheeks.

“You won’t?” Jared asks curiously.

“No. Between the money in my savings, the retirement plan I had set up, my disability and the settlement for the crash I could afford to live here the rest of my life and be quite comfortable,” Jensen shrugs. “I was so consumed with work I never went out and did anything, the money just sort of piled up. I was saving to buy a house and a new car.”

“Whoa,” Jared wets his lips. “That’s actually really good. You could still buy a house. Maybe you’ll find someone you’d like to live with and you’ll buy a house together.” He says this casually but Jensen picks up on the layers of hope laced throughout the words. He smiles fondly and reaches out to cup a hand along the side of Jared’s face, pulling him close.

“Maybe,” he whispers against his lips, moving to seal them together.

The doorbell rings, startling both boys with its unfamiliarity. “Who could that be?” Jared asks curiously, pushing himself up. “I’ll go check it out.”

Jensen listens to him head down the hall, climbing off the bed and grasping the walking stick he’d laid against the night stand. For the most part he’s grown comfortable navigating through his apartment but the extra guidance the stick provides is like a weight off his shoulders.

“I’m not sure he’s up to visitors,” Jared is saying as Jensen moves into the hallway, curious to see who had chosen to randomly stop by.

“Maybe you should let us ask him that,” comes the clipped reply and Jensen freezes.

He should have figured his friends would grow anxious given enough time. Before, when he would disappear for weeks working on a project, he would at least send a text message excusing his absence. Jensen has canceled his cell phone service now and never answers the phone so naturally they’re concerned. “Hey Chris.”

“Jensen!” The man exclaims, walking into the apartment and throwing arms tight around him.

Jensen stiffens uncomfortably, not sure why being with one of his best friends is so unnerving, “What are you doing here?”

“We thought we’d come see you, since you never call,” Chris pulls back and Jensen feels a tinge of guilt at the sadness in Chris’ voice.

“We?” He asks curiously. Everything in him itches for the comfort of Jared so he moves a few steps towards the door were he last knew Jared to be.

“Yeah, we,” Steve claps him on the shoulder, laughing softly. “Going all hermit on us Jen?”

“No,” He denies but his breath hitches and he has to bite his lip to not call out Jared’s name. It’s very unsettling to feel this way around his friends. He knows these people, he shouldn’t feel like this. “You guys met Jared. He helps me out with things.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jared says politely and Jensen is relived to find he’s standing very near the man. One little side step and he can feel the heat pulsing off his body.

“You too, sorry about earlier, we’re just worried about our friend,” Chris explains, stepping forward to shake Jared’s hand.

“Not a problem, I’m just lookin’ out for the guy,” Jared laughs happily and a hand comes to rest comfortingly on the small of Jensen’s back.

The touch spreads a warmth of relief through him and he smiles softly. “Look guys I really am sorry about not calling back. It’s just… it’s been a lot. I’m trying to get used to life.”

“I can’t imagine,” Steve breaths and the room fills with an awkward silence.

Finally Jared clears his throat, thumb rubbing circles along Jensen’s spine, “Would you guys like anything to drink?”

“Sure, I’ll have a coke,” Steve pauses for a moment. “Chris too. Jared why don’t you and I get the drinks and meet Jen and Chris on the deck?”

Jared’s hand stills uncertainly, waiting to see if this is okay so Jensen nods, “Yeah that sounds good. I’ll have a Coke too, Jared.”

“Okay,” Jared says slowly and moves away from him.

Jensen stands awkwardly by the wall for a moment before walking towards the far wall. “I’ll get the door,” Chris offers, sliding the glass to the right and Jensen steps out onto the wood of the deck.

He moves to the love seat as casually as possibly, not wanting to freak Chris out with his slow motions. “Chris, I really am sorry.”

“I know Jensen, it’s okay,” Chris says softly and Jensen wants to believe him but that layer of sadness is still there. “Who is this Jared guy?”

“He…” Jensen wets his lips, leaning against the back of the love seat. “He’s a really good friend.”

“Friend?” Chris asks curiously, the legs of his chair scrapping the wood as he sits.

“Yeah, friend. Maybe more, one day. He’s pretty much been my savior through all of this,” he sighs, thinking how very true that is and how much he really wants to tell Jared just how important he is now.

“I could have been that,” Chris’ voice is so soft Jensen has to replay the words mentally to make sure he heard it right.

“What? My savior?” He quirks an eyebrow, chuckling a little.

“If that’s what you’re calling it,” He huffs, trying not to sound to sentimental though the damage is already done.

“I don’t think you could have Chris. I mean,” he holds up a hand to stop any argument Chris is about to spit out. “I know you could have but I don’t think I would have let you. I didn’t want to depend on anyone I knew. I didn’t want to be a burden...”

“So you preferred a stranger over your best friend?” His voice is so cold it makes Jensen flinch.

“I preferred Jared because it’s his job. He gets paid to take care my shit. I can’t begin to tell you how hard it was for me in the beginning Chris. There were… there were some days I didn’t think I could keep going. I just needed time and…”

“Jared,” Chris finishes, voice still curious but the coldness has faded some. “Alright, I know I’m never gonna understand completely so I’m just gonna let it go. But Jenny? No more of this okay? You’re gonna answer the phone now.”

“I have to screen the calls somehow,” Jensen insists, though a smile tugs at his lips when he hears Chris use his familiar nickname, despite how much he hates it he knows it’s a good sign of Chris’ forgiveness.

“Ah but see, you can’t use that excuse anymore,” Steve comes out onto the deck, laughing happily. “Chris and I bought you a phone that says the name of the caller instead of ringing.”

“It’s fucking sweet,” Jared agrees, moving to sit beside Jensen on the love seat. “We just hooked it up.”

Jensen laughs, feeling the tight panic of insecurity fading away. As Jared’s hand squeezes his thigh comfortingly he thinks, for the first time, that he can do this. He can have these friendships, live his life as normal as any blind man can. Maybe Jared is correct by saying this is his second chance to do things right.

He only hopes he can get it right this time around.


	5. Chapter 5

“So,” Jared sits on the stool beside Jensen, setting a plate with a grilled cheese sandwich on it down in front of him. “I thought, if you weren’t busy on Friday night, we might go out and get some dinner or something.”

“What, like a date?” Jensen arches an eyebrow, reaching out to grasp the sandwich between his fingers.

“Well yeah,” Jared chuckles nervously, running a hand up through his hair. “If you don’t have any plans.”

“I’ll have to check my Day-Planner but I think I can pencil you in,” Jensen teases, smiling around the bite of cheese and bread in his mouth.

“Shut up,” Jared laughs, slapping him playfully on the arm before rising and moving to the kitchen to start cleaning up. He hisses softly and Jensen sets down his sandwich, looking up curiously.

“Are you alright?” He asks in concern, reaching out to wrap fingers around his water glass.

“I’ve just had this killer headache on and off for the past few days,” Jared sighs and turns on the faucet to fill up the sink with soap and water, placing dishes in it to soak.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jensen wets his lips. “Do you need the day off? I’m sure I can manage a day without you.”

“No I’m fine, I’ll just take some Advil. Unless you’re trying to get rid of me,” Jared chuckles softly and turns the faucet off. He continues before Jensen has a chance to dispute the statement, “So what do you want to do today?”

“Bungee jumping. Or um… underwater basket weaving,” Jensen shrugs casually, chuckling when he hears Jared set down the pan he is cleaning.

Laughing, Jared walks over and leans across the counter to press a kiss swiftly against his lips, “I’d be down for some underwater basket weaving.”

Reaching out and wrapping his fingers tight around Jared’s shirt, Jensen tugs him forward swiftly. “Great, I know the perfect spot too,” he whispers before sealing their lips together.

Jared cups Jensen’s head, leaning further across the counter to deepen the kiss with tongues and teeth. He moans into Jensen’s mouth, fingers threading through soft hair.

“Jensen honey, are you- oh!” There’s a little squeak and the shattering of glass from the kitchen entryway.

“Mom!” Jensen jumps back, overestimating and falling backwards off the stool and hard onto his ass.

“Jensen!” Jared hurries around the counter, scooting sideways past Mrs. Ackles and moving to help Jensen up off the floor.

Jensen leans slightly longer then necessary on Jared, hoping to gain some strength for the conversation that is sure to follow, “I’m okay Jared.”

“Good,” Jared smooths a hand down his back before stepping away. “I um… oh let me clean this up.” He moves swiftly, sweeping the glass – which turns out to be a china plate – up into the dust pan and throwing it out. When he rises and moves to the entry way again it’s still a tense silence so he clears his throat and states, “I’m gonna start cleaning your bathroom. I’ll be back in a bit. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

Listening to him walk down the hallway, Jensen wets his lips and moves towards the couch, “Mom? You want to sit down?”

She quietly joins him on the cool leather and reaches out to take his hand, “You don’t have to explain it honey, you know I love you no matter what.”

Jensen rubs the back of his neck with his free hand nervously, “I know. But I’d like to explain it. Or at least tell you what he means to me so you don’t worry.”

“I won’t-“ She starts but he interrupts her.

“Mom you were right when you said I know you. And I know you’re gonna worry about him being around for the wrong reasons. But trust me, that is not Jared at all. I mean, we’re not anything official yet but I want us to be,” Jensen smiles softly and squeezes her hand. “I… I pretty much owe him my life.”

“He’s that important huh?” She leans forward to wrap arms tight around him. “You know he’ll never be good enough for you according to my standards but if he makes you happy that’s what counts.”

Jensen laughs and presses a kiss to her cheek as she pulls back. He can hear her surprised gasp and he feels a little guilty that an action like this is rare enough to shock her. “I want you to get to know him. I want the whole family to actually. Can you guys come over on Saturday night for dinner? We’ll cook.”

“He’s not living here is he?” She asks, still a little breathless with surprise at the kiss and now the unexpected and even more rare invitation.

“No,” Jensen shakes his head. “Mom, like I said, we’re not even official yet. Trust me. I’m more into taking this slow.”

“Good,” She beams, squeezing his arm comfortingly before settling back on the couch and beginning in on a story about Mackenzie’s latest boyfriend.

Smiling he listens to her complain about the boy’s punk qualities. including a tattoo of a skull on his forearm. And a piercing in both eyebrows and the lower lip. He realizes it’s been years since he’s just had a conversation with his mom and thinks it will be nice to change that.

*

Chad flops down on Jared’s bed, looking at him as he shifts through clothes in his closet. “Another date with blind dude?”

“Please don’t call him that Chad. And kinda,” Jared pulls out a dark blue shirt, eyeing it speculatively. “His family is coming over for dinner. We’re making spaghetti.”

“Have you fucked him yet?” Chad props himself up on his elbows, waiting for Jared’s response.

Jared hangs the shirt back up, scoffing as he turns to look at Chad, “Not that it’s any of your business but no.”

“God I’d never agree to meet a chick’s parents if I wasn’t getting any,” Chad shakes his head and flops back on the bed with a disgruntled noise.

“Contrary to your belief Chad, there is more to the world then sex,” Jared sighs and pulls out a forest green button down. “God I’m so not used to giving a damn about what I wear to Jensen’s. Does this color make me look mature and responsible?”

“Dude you’re gonna need a lot more then a fucking shirt to make you look mature and responsible,” Chad laughs but when Jared sends him a scathing look he nods. “Yeah yeah, it looks fine. You’re a real prince charming.”

“Good, I need to make a great first impression. Or at least better then the one his mom already has of me since she walked in on us making out,” Jared runs a nervous hand through his hair.

Chad cackles happily, rolling off the bed and onto his feet, “At least you’re getting some action.” He walks towards the door and pauses as his hand comes to rest on the wooden frame. “Hey Jared?”

“Yeah?” Jared looks over at him, hesitating halfway through lifting his shirt up and off over his head.

“Does he make you happy?” The question is soft and quiet and Chad stares at the floor for a long moment before looking up for an answer.

Jared is so floored by it he can only nod gently, staring at Chad with wide eyes.

“Good,” Chad nods before slapping the wood beneath his palm once and disappearing down the hall.

*

He stirs the sauce in the pot in a constant circle, breathing deep every few moments to fill himself with the scent of oregano and tomatoes. He lifts the spoon using his fingers as a guide to blow on the sauce before bringing it forward to taste, “Mmm, delicious.”

“Hey!” Jared wraps an arm around his waist, tugging him forward to seal their lips together. His tongue parts Jensen’s lips, swiping repeatedly along the curves of his mouth before he pulls back. “You’re right! Absolutely delicious.”

Jensen is more then a little dizzy and he reaches out to grasp the counter and steady himself, “Damn. That was hot.”

Jared laughs, stepping into his body from behind and wrapping his arms once more around Jensen’s waist, “Yeah it was. But then again, you’re hot so it just makes sense.”

He laughs, twisting in Jared’s arms and reaching up to link his hands behind Jared’s neck. “So you’re okay with this right?”

“What? You mean, you like this? More then okay,” Jared leans forward, nuzzling Jensen’s neck softly.

He tilts his head back slightly to give Jared more access, laughing quietly, “No, I mean my family coming over. I know it’s probably not what you had in mind for a date.”

“It’s fine,” Jared laughs as well, giving him a final, brief kiss before stepping back. “If I could just get rid of this damn headache.” He places hands on Jensen’s arms, turning him back to the stove.

“Another headache huh?” Jensen asks in concern, wrapping his fingers around the wooden spoon Jared sets in his palm and continuing to stir when he feels it hit the bottom of the pan.

“Yeah, I took some Advil so it probably just hasn’t kicked in yet. I’ll be okay,” Jared moves back to the opposite counter where he is chopping vegetables for a salad.

Jensen wants to press the topic, maybe suggest Jared make an appointment to see his doctor next week but is cut off by the doorbell ringing. He moves towards it, dropping the spoon in the sink, “I’ll get that, you okay to watch the sauce?”

Jared laughs, “Anything to keep my mind off how nervous I am.”

As he passes, Jensen reaches out and touches his arm, “Here, give me a quick kiss to make it all better.”

The man laughs, dipping down swiftly to press a chaste kiss to his lips, “You’re right, I feel loads better.”

Laughing, Jensen continues towards the front door to let his family in. Jared listens to their greeting, smiling at the joy in Jensen’s voice. He moves to the stove, give the sauce a final stir before flipping off the burner. A quick test of the pasta proves its tenderness and he moves to dump the pot into a strainer in the sink.

“Jared come meet the family,” Jensen calls from the entry way.

Taking a deep breath and running a swift hand through his hair Jared walks out to join them, smiling brightly, “Hi!”

Jensen smiles as well, stepping almost automatically towards his voice and heat, “Jared this is my dad Alan, and of course my mom Donna. You remember Mackenzie I’m sure.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jared steps forward to shake each of their hands in turn. “Mackenzie it’s good to see you again.”

“You too,” She giggles.

“It smells delicious boys, what’s for dinner?” Donna turns to hang her coat on the rack by the door, setting her purse on the hall table.

“Spaghetti and meatballs,” Jensen states proudly, gesturing towards the dinning room. “It should be about ready if you all want to sit.”

The family moves to the table while Jensen takes hold of the bottom of Jared’s shirt and trails him into the kitchen. “Everything is done right?”

“Of course,” Jared laughs. He dumps the noodles into a large bowl followed by the sauce. “You want to carry the bread out? I’ll follow with the salad and spaghetti.”

“Alright,” Jensen nods, holding out his hand, palm up.

Jared sets the plate on his palm, grabbing the bowls to follow Jensen and ensure he gets there safely. When they stop in front of the table he sets his dishes, then Jensen’s, on the hard polished surface. “Dinner is served,” He exclaims, pulling out Jensen’s chair and resting a hand on his elbow to guide him safely to a sitting position.

“Thank you boys,” Alan speaks up, glancing only briefly at the food before watching them curiously.

“We set out the dressings and such, but what would you like to drink?” Jared offers, rising to get their requested beverages. “Don’t wait for me, feel free to serve yourselves.”

“Thank you so much Jared, this really looks delicious,” Donna observes, scooping salad on her plate and passing the bowl to Mackenzie.

“Jared is a fantastic cook,” Jensen explains, smiling fondly when he feels the heat of Jared next to him again. “Which is a good thing because the man can eat!”

Mackenzie chuckles, “I’m not surprised.”

She hands the bowl of salad to her father who serves some for himself before holding it out for Jensen. There’s an awkward pause as Donna and Mackenzie stare at the offered bowl, Jensen completely unaware.

Jared is quick to cover the moment, grasping the bowl easily between his fingers, “My momma tells me I’m still a growing boy. Personally I think I’ve just got a great metabolism.” He serves some salad for Jensen and then himself.

The family watches as he dishes up some pasta and grabs a slice of garlic bread, and Jensen laughs, “Jared is a walking ball of energy. He’s constantly on the go.” He closes his fingers around the fork Jared places in his right hand.

“Pasta’s at three o’clock, salad’s at nine, bread at twelve,” Jared says casually, looking up at the family watching him curiously. “It’s um… a system they taught us when caring for the blind. This way he can eat without being fed.”

“That’s fantastic,” Alan smiles brightly, spearing some lettuce on his fork. “Did they teach you a lot of helpful things for the blind?”

“Somewhat, some of the stuff I’ve looked up on my own,” Jared blushes a little, tucking into his own food.

“Like what?” Donna asks curiously and Jared chuckles as he starts explaining the arranging of the closet.

Jensen leans over his plate, a little wave of panic crawling through him. When he’d suggested spaghetti for dinner it was only because he knew it was his father’s favorite meal and he wanted the man in a good mood. He hadn’t given much thought to how difficult the food would be to eat. It was just going to be a matter of taking it slow and praying he didn’t make too much of a mess.

For the most part the meal past smoothly. Jensen knew his family had to be curious about how he managed his life, he could feel their eyes watching at times when Jared would slide his cup into his open palm or guide his fork to the last few pieces of salad on the plate. Over the past two or so months he had gotten accustomed to things with Jared’s assistance, so much so he didn’t even realize how easy it had become.

After dinner Mackenzie helps Jared clear off the table and Jensen can hear them laughing together in the kitchen over running water. He joins his mother and father on the porch, crossing his arms over his chest as the breeze falls across his face with the faint sprinkle of salt water.

“He really seems to help you,” Alan observes, clearing his throat a little. “I’m glad to see you’re doing so well.”

“I wouldn’t be without him,” Jensen insists, thinking that no matter how many times he’s said or thought it over the past few weeks it never ceases to amaze him. He never imagined someone being so special to him.

Donna moves forward to give him a tight hug, “He’s a good catch. I can tell how important he is to you and I’m pretty sure you’re just as important to him.”

“How can you tell?” He asks curiously, wondering what his mother sees that he never will be able too.

“Just the way he watches you. There’s definitely something there honey. Just be care-“

“Mom!” Mackenzie’s scream breaks the gentle peace of the outdoors.

There’s a shatter of glass and Jensen turns towards the door, stumbling a bit in his effort to hurry inside.

“Oh my god Donna call an ambulance!” Alan instructs, his breath quick and harsh coming from the kitchen.

“What? What is it?” Jensen reaches out, desperate to find something to hold onto and balance himself. “Is Mackenzie okay?”

A firm hand grips his arm, steadying him just as he’s about to crash sideways into the dinning table.

“Jared? What’s going on?” He jerks to the body and the hand squeezes.

“Son, its okay, just take a deep breath,” his father insists, guiding him towards the couch.

“Wait no, I don’t understand,” Jensen jerks his head one way then another, panic crawling swiftly up his body. “Dad what is it?”

“Hello?! Yes we need an ambulance,” Donna’s voice echoes across the living room. “No his name is Jared, he’s just collapsed… I can’t tell… it looks like his lips are turning blue…”

“Jared…” Jensen breaths, pushing up again, arms reaching out as he fumbles towards the kitchen. His hand brushes his father, who grasps it to hold him back. “No dad, I need to get to him. Please. Take me to him.”

Alan leads him forward. Vaguely he can hear his mother still on the phone, can make out the cries of a startled Mackenzie but his mind only pulses Jared, Jared, Jared. Everything seems to slow until his father is helping him kneel and he can feel the faint heat of the man, dim and distant as if it’s fading away.

“No Jared,” he curls fingers around the man’s shirt and falls forward onto his chest. “You gotta wake up Jared. I can’t do this without. I can’t keep going without you.”

Tears fall from his eyes and he wants to scream. It seems a cruel irony that his eyes, his useless pathetic eyes that can no longer provide him any joy can still shed tears. Everything in him aches and all he can think is he’s never had the chance to tell Jared just how important he is to him.

“Jared…” he whispers and tightens his fists in soft fabric.


	6. Chapter 6

His mother has the radio on as they drive to the hospital and Jensen’s a little relieved he isn’t expected to make conversation. Both her and his sister seem aware of the complex wave of emotions he’s dealing with. His head falls against the window and he tries desperately to not be overcome by the surge of grief. The idea that something could seriously be wrong with Jared makes everything in him ache.

He had been desperate to ride with Jared in the ambulance, but his mother had gently directed him to her car instead.

“Let your father go honey,” She insists, running a hand down his arm soothingly. “They’ll need someone to fill out papers.”

“But he doesn’t know anything about him,” Jensen mumbles but goes with her regardless. After all, the sooner he gets there, the sooner he can be with Jared again.

 _Living on a Prayer_ by Bon Jovi drifts across the speakers and he lets out a small anguished laugh.

“What is it sweetie?” Donna asks softly, laying a hand over his legs comfortingly.

“This song…” Jensen shakes his head and sighs quietly. “I woke up to Jared singing it a few weeks ago. I stood in the hallway and listened to him and tried to imagine what he might look like.”

Mackenzie’s hand comes to rest on Jensen’s shoulder, “He’s hot. Like, molten lava, center of the earth, surface of the son hot.”

Jensen allows a small smile to tug at the corners of his lips, “Jealous?”

“Only completely,” Mackenzie tightens her fingers. “I should have guessed that you’d be able to snag the hottest guy ever even though…” She cuts off awkwardly, hand slipping from his shoulder.

Jensen’s smile fades and he drops his head to the glass once more, “Yeah I know, even though I’m blind.”

“Jen, I didn’t…” Mackenzie sighs and Donna joins her.

“Honey, your brother knows you didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” She offers and Jensen doesn’t add anything more. His mother is right, he does know Mackenzie wasn’t trying to hurt his feelings, but the temporary distraction is gone and his mind once more returns to Jared – strapped to a gurney – in the ambulance somewhere ahead of them.

*

The smell of the hospital is so familiar and nauseating to Jensen for the first few minutes in the waiting room that he’s not sure he’ll be able to keep down his dinner. He’s not quite sure how he’s gotten here, everything is just a vague blur of noises and scents.

Jared is taken back to ER and his mother leads him towards his father and the front desk. “He woke in the ambulance,” Alan reaches out to squeeze Jensen’s arm encouragingly. “He gave me his cell phone and asked if we could call his roommate Chad.”

“I’ll do that,” Donna offers. “Honey you see what you can help answer for the paperwork okay?”

Jensen turns towards his dad’s voice, “How’s Jared? Did he say anything?”

“He wanted me to tell you he’s sorry for breaking one of the fancy plates,” Alan says with a soft smile that Jensen unconsciously mimics a moment later.

“That sounds very like Jared.”

“Has the patient been complaining of any pain today?” The admit clerk behind the desk ask. Jensen thinks she sounds slightly annoyed and he’s suddenly hit with the urge to smack her. He thinks it should be a requirement of all hospital personal to be polite and understanding but he’s learned – from the last time he was stuck in the hospital – that it’s seldom the case.

“He had a headache. He’s been having them pretty frequently the past week or so,” Jensen explains and reaches out to rest a hand on the counter. His mind has been so occupied with what may be happening to Jared that it didn’t really sink in where he was, how far out of his usual comfort zone he’s stepped.

Now it hits him that he’s standing alone in a place he’s not comfortable with. That familiar wave of panic washes through him and he has to take several deep breaths to not collapse with the weight of it all.

There’s really not much more he can answer for the nurse. After all, he doesn’t know if Jared has any allergies or what illnesses he’s had in the past, so his father guides him into the waiting room. “Jensen, Jared’s going to be okay, try not to worry.”

Jensen sighs softly as he sits down on cool plastic. He knows his father means well but it’s almost impossible not to worry. He’s not really sure how it happened but Jared means more to him then he can really fathom and he’s really not sure he can keep going if something were to happen to him.

Resting his head in his hands, Jensen turns over one bad diagnosis after another. At some point he drifts off to sleep and dreams that he’s floating through clouds of white. In the distance is a shapeless form that could be human and he thinks distantly that it’s Jared. He knows if he moves fast enough he can catch up to him, pull him tight in his arms and stare longingly at his face, but he remains just out of reach.

“Jensen,” He’s shaken awake by his mother’s concerned tone.

“What? Is it Jared?” He stands quickly, turning towards her voice.

“There’s been no word yet, but Chad is here. I thought you’d like to speak to him,” She puts a hand on his elbow, guiding him a few steps forward.

“Okay, Chad?” He asks when they stop walking.

“Yeah,” Chad’s voice is much younger and fragile then Jensen expects. Or it could just be the worry for his friend. It occurs to him that he’s only heard Jared mention Chad a few times and doesn’t really know the extent of their friendship. “So you’re the infamous Jensen huh?”

“Infamous?” Jensen’s eyebrow arches, hands tucking in the pockets of his dress slacks.

“Well Jared only talks about you like, every second,” Chad’s laugh is weak and Jensen has the feeling he’s trying not to seem too emotional. It says a lot about Chad as a person but Jensen decides to store the psychological analysis away for another time. “What exactly happened?”

“He just passed out,” Jensen wets his lips. The words feel funny and heavy on his lips and he wants to take them back, as if that would change everything.

“I think he had a seizure,” Mackenzie says softly and something lurches unpleasantly in Jensen’s stomach. “I saw his eyes roll back in his head.”

“Damn,” Chad hisses and Jensen can hear the creak of a chair as the man sits. He reaches out to find his own chair, swatting the air a few times before Mackenzie steps forward and grasps his hand, guiding him wordlessly to a seat. “A seizure. That’s… I mean, you don’t just have those huh? It means something.”

“We just don’t know yet,” Donna replies as soothingly as possible.

Jensen’s head is spinning and, for the tenth or so time that night, he thinks he might throw up, “This can’t be happening.”

“Hey,” Mackenzie presses a cool hand firmly against his. “Jared is going to be okay. They’ll run tests and figure out what’s wrong then they’ll treat it.”

“It’s just,” Jensen wets his lips and sighs softly. “He kept me going. He _keeps_ me going and I don’t know if I can do this without him.”

“Jensen Ackles?” A woman’s voice carries across the waiting room and Jensen looks up towards it.

“That’s me,” He pushes himself up, hand still loosely entwined with Mackenzie’s.

“I’m Dr. Summers. Mr. Padalecki is settled in now and he asked for you,” She moves closer and Jensen feels the warmth of her hand on his elbow. “I’ll take you there okay?”

“Is he okay?” Alan asks from Jensen’s left and it takes all his control not to snap at his father to wait. All he can think of is being near Jared, being able to smell him and hear his laugh and know he’s okay. Questions can wait.

“We still have to run some tests to be sure but he should be just fine,” Dr. Summers says in a bright voice that speaks of years of practice reassuring worried families and friends. Jensen moves forward before anyone can ask anything else.

His heart thumps heavy in his chest with each blind step past beeping machines and low soothing voices. He has to take deep soothing breaths to stay calm, allowing his desire to be near Jared smother his fear of walking through the unknown with a complete stranger as his guide.

“Here we are,” She rests a hand on the small of his back and he reaches out a hand instinctively. He vaguely wishes he’d thought to grab his walking stick before leaving home then Jared is speaking and everything else dims.

“Jensen,” He breathes. “My hand is out, two steps forward and you’ll feel it.”

He does so without hesitation, smiling faintly as his fingers curl around Jared’s, “Oh god Jared…”

“Hey, it’s okay,” Jared insists, tugging him forward. “I’m okay, don’t worry.”

“Jared I’m going to have a nurse come get you in about thirty minutes for the MRI okay? Until then don’t get up, just relax and don’t overexert yourself, okay?” Dr. Summers advises.

Jensen listens to her shoes click on the linoleum as she leaves the room before he squeezes Jared’s hand, “What have they told you so far?”

“I had a seizure,” He offers with a shaky voice, returning the squeeze before tugging Jensen closer. “Will you lay here with me?”

A smile tugs again on his lips and he climbs up into the hospital bed, laying on his side to rest his head against Jared’s shoulder, “Have you ever had a seizure before?”

“No,” Jared wraps a strong arm around his back and buries his nose in Jensen’s hair, inhaling deeply. “I’m scared Jen… what if somethings wrong? What will I do?”

Jensen runs a hand along Jared’s chest. This is the closet they’ve ever been together and it makes something stir low in Jensen’s groin – which makes him feel a little awkward for being turned on during such a serious time, “Listen to me Jared, you’re going to be okay. You have to be. I mean, who’s going to cook my meals?”

The chest under him vibrates with Jared’s soft chuckle, “You’re right, how could I be so foolish?” He cards a hand through Jensen’s hair and readjusts to press a kiss against his forehead. “Did someone call Chad?”

“Yeah he’s out in the waiting room with my family,” Jensen tilts his head up, reaching out to trace fingers along a firm jaw line then up to lips. He presses forward to seal lips together in a soft, chaste kiss. “We could send for him if you’d like?”

“I think it might be better to wait until after the MRI,” Jared whispers against his lips, tongue reaching out to trace over Jensen’s upper lip.

“Mmm we can’t do this now,” He pulls back a little, nuzzling his nose into Jared’s neck. “The Doctor said not to overexert yourself and I’m pretty sure if we keep this up there’s going to be some definite overexertion.”

“Why Jensen,” Jared’s voice hits a high shaky falsetto. “Are you trying to take advantage of little ol’ me?”

Jensen snorts, shaking his head before pressing lips briefly along the expanse of Jared’s neck, “Oh how I’d like too. But I’d feel pretty guilty if something happened to you because of my selfish wants and desires.”

A hand slides down his back, lingering on his waist line, as Jared says, “Well it’d be my selfish wants and desires too, if that means anything?”

Jensen chuckles and they fall into a comfortable silence. He can’t stop his thoughts from drifting to the reason they’re squished together on a hospital bed. He knows people don’t just up and have seizures which means there’s something wrong with Jared and it could be anything. The sheer level of uncertainty is enough to make his head spin.

Not too long later a nurse comes in and Jensen slides of the bed, hand squeezing Jared’s reassuringly, “I’ll be here when you get back, okay? I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re going to be okay.”

Jared laughs softly, “I know Jensen, just take a deep breath. I’ll be back soon.”

*

Jared thinks he’s never heard anything quite as loud as the MRI machine around him. Of course it probably can’t compare to a rock concert but he’s never been to one so he really wouldn’t know any better. It’s also made worse by the building level of uncertainty and fear growing in him. He can’t seem to stop the swirl of thoughts crowding his mind.

If something is wrong, seriously wrong, he’ll have to quit his job. He might even be stuck in the hospital. Then Chad will need to get a new roommate and he’ll have nowhere to live. He’ll have to go back to Texas and – not that he has a problem with his family – the thought of leaving Jensen brings the foul taste of bile to the back of his throat.

On top of all of that Jared could _die_. It does occur to him that this type of thinking is not good but once the idea pops forward it seems to hover above the others. A gut sinking, heart wrenching fear suddenly seems to suck the air from the cramped circle of the MRI machine and he has to take several deep breaths to keep from hyperventilating.

“Almost done Mr. Padalecki, just five or so more minutes,” The lap tech’s voice echoes over the machines clinks and whirs.

He itches to rubs his sweaty palms along the sides of his hospital gown but the tech had stressed several times how important it was not to move and he really can’t imagine spending another hour in the confined space so he keeps his arms firmly planted to his sides. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment that someone of his size would be subjected to such a tiny space.

Taking another deep breath, he closes his eyes and forces himself to picture Jensen’s smile, Jensen’s lips against his own. There’s so much he’d like to do with the man and his heart aches thinking he might not have the chance too.

“Okay, all done,” The tech says, this time in the room as the machine cuts off and the bed slides him out from the center of the machine. “You did great. Do you think you could move to the bed on your own?”

Jared’s eager to be any direction other then horizontal after an hour of no movement so he nods quickly and allows the tech to assist him in sitting up. The room spins a little but the cool linoleum under his feet is worth it. He can’t help but chuckle at the slightly terrified look the man gives him when he sways a little. Obviously he realizes Jared having a good eight inches on him could get dangerous so Jared reassures, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to fall.”

The tech laughs and pulls the blanket over him as he reclines back on the slightly propped up bed, “Good thing because I’m not entirely sure I could have caught you.”

“How long till I know?” Jared asks, wetting his lips as the nerves lurch up in him again. The brief relief of being out of the machine is not enough to settle his stomach.

“Probably not until tomorrow,” He offers, pushing the hospital bed out the swinging double doors and down the hallway. “I’m taking you back to ICU then you’ll get sent up to the third floor for the night okay?”

“You mean I have to stay the night?” Jared frowns.

They arrive back at the ICU as the tech says, “Unfortunately yeah but chances are you’ll get to go home tomorrow when the test comes back fine.”

Jared smiles when he sees Jensen rise from the chair in the room, instinctively backing up against the far wall, “Hey good lookin’, where you been all my life?”

A faint blush crawls up Jensen’s cheeks and Jared grins, holding out a hand as the other man takes a few steps forward with an outstretched arm, “Everything go okay?”

“Yeah,” Jared circles their fingers together and pulls Jensen towards the bed’s edge. “Except I have to stay overnight and that totally blows.”

“I’m sorry,” Jensen says softly as he crawls up onto the mattress. “I’d stay with you if I could.”

“I know,” Jared sighs softly and cards his fingers through Jensen’s hair.

There’s a knock on the door and Jared looks up as Chad and Jensen’s family come in. “Smooth move loser,” Chad says by way of greeting and even though he’s smiling Jared can see the uncertainty in his eyes.

“Well you know me, always trying to impress the ladies,” He winks at Mackenzie who giggles in return as Jensen slaps his chest. “Ow! Fragile here!”

Jensen rubs the spot with a fond smile, “Sorry Jared but you needed a little dose of reality.”

“What did the doctor say?” Alan asks and something warms in Jared. It’s nice to know he’s being accepted by Jensen’s family and makes the ache for his own family a little more bearable.

He clears his throat at the sudden twist of emotion in his gut before answering, “Well I had a seizure but they’re not sure the reasoning behind it yet. I had an MRI and I have to stay the night. Tomorrow I’ll get the results.”

“I can bring Jensen over,” Chad offers and Jared smiles brightly at him. It’s not often Chad volunteers to be helpful, especially where Jensen is involved because Chad is just a tad on the jealous side.

Donna smiles as well, “That’s great. We should probably get going, Jared you need your rest.”

Jensen stiffens by him and Jared runs a hand along his back, turning his head to say softly, “You’ll be okay without me yeah?”

The man laughs in response, pressing a kiss below his ear, “You’re the one that needs to be okay. I can handle myself for a little while. Though breakfast won’t be the same.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jared wants to kiss him goodbye but figures it would most likely embarrass Jensen so he settles on a tight hug instead.

Jensen climbs from the bed and Jared watches them go with sad eyes. He hates being alone really and being at a hospital alone is probably ten times worse.

A few minutes after they leave a nurse comes to take him upstairs and Jared settles in on a new – just as uncomfortable – mattress in a plain white room with a beeping IV. The last thought he has before falling into restless sleep is Jensen, alone and in the dark.

*

Jensen feels as if it were the first day of being blind and at home alone all over again. The apartment is too quiet, even with the distant crash of ocean waves, and it takes all of his energy to drag himself out of bed. He never would have noticed before but now Jensen can make out the distinct smell of Jared lingering in the air. It was probably his heightened senses that allows him to pick up on it at all.

Chad had said he wouldn’t come by until after eleven so he takes his time pulling a piece of bread from the bag and slipping it in the toaster. Though he feels more comfortable with going through the motions in the dark he still can’t fight off the an uneasy ache. This time it probably has more to do with the lack of Jared more then anything else.

He eats his toast plain, in small bites, chewing longer then necessary as he contemplates what it means to miss Jared so much. It seems loving Jared is no longer a question of maybe and he is a little unsure how to process that. If something where to happen to Jared now, he feels it would be worse then loosing his eyesight in the first place.

The hot spray of the shower helps to relax some of the tension in his shoulders as he continues to sort through one complicated thought after another. By the time he brushes his teeth and dresses – heading to the living room to collect his walking stick and wait for Chad – he’s come to several conclusions.

First, it’s okay to be in love with Jared. In fact it’s damn near perfect. Jared is going to be okay after all. Second, he’d really like Jared to be around more then he is now and, considering he’s around a lot now, there’s only one logical step up. And last, everything in him aches to touch Jared in any way possible.

Chad arrives shortly after eleven and worry once more clouds Jensen’s thoughts. He doesn’t mind the other man – doesn’t really know him since they only had a brief conversation the day before – but the walk down the three flights of stairs is glaring him in the face. Even with Jared it’s nearly unbearable and he can cling to his arm. Chad on the other hand…

“I talked to Jared, they moved him to a different room last night. So um… you ready?” Chad asks and Jensen palms the keys on the hall table, holding them out.

“Uh yeah, could you just um… lock the door?” It makes him uncomfortable to ask for favors from a near complete stranger, no matter how well that stranger might know Jared.

“Sure,” Chad takes the keys from him and Jensen uses his cane to head out of the apartment, tapping the door frame as he passes.

When he makes it to the stairs, twenty five steps, he pauses and reaches out to curl fingers along the winding rail.

Chad clears his throat from his left, “Do you, uh, need help?”

A vague smile tugs on Jensen’s lips and he holds out a hand, looping the rope on the top of the cane around his wrists before Chad gently rests a hand on his arm, gripping just strong enough to be of assistance.

“I just want you to know,” Chad says casually as they start their dissent. “I don’t really like you. Ever since you came into the picture Jared’s been all doe eyed and walking into walls and shit.”

“Walking into walls?” Jensen quirks an eyebrow, smirking faintly.

“Yeah he’s clumsy as fuck on an average day then you step into the picture and it doubles. And he spends all his time with you and whenever he is home it’s all Jensen is god and Jensen shits rainbows-“

“Shits rainbows?” Jensen’s eyebrow arches even higher.

“You mean everything to him,” Chad continues as if he wasn’t interrupted and Jensen swallows deeply. “It’s annoying as fuck.”

Jensen sighs and shakes his head, “I’m sorry. It’s not really something I can help, you know?”

They reach the bottom of the stairs and Chad lets go of his arm, stepping away to open the apartment building’s door, “I know, it’s not your fault. I’ll get over it. Guess it’s better he’s wrapped up in you instead of moping around with no one to do.”

Jensen laughs as they step out of the building and Chad once more reaches out to guide him to his car.

*

He hears it – places the noise for soft sobs – the moment they step into the hospital room. Using the cane in quick taps along the floor, he rushes forward, “Jared? What is it? What’s the matter?”

“It’s…” Jared chokes on a sob and Jensen reaches out into the darkness until his hand presses against warm skin.

“They found something,” Chad states quietly from across the room.

“I’m sick,” There’s a hitch to his voice and Jensen’s stomach lurches heavily.


	7. Chapter 7

“How serious is it?” Chad asks, taking a step closer to the edge of the hospital bed.

Jared can’t seem to pull his eyes off the sheer fear and panic dancing across Jensen’s features. Tears continue to blur his vision as he forces himself to swallow thickly and answer, “It’s called uh… Arteriovenous Malformation or something similar. The Doctor tried to explain it.”

“Are you going to…” Jensen starts but can’t seem to add any more words to the thought.

From the tension lining his features Jared is pretty sure he can finish it for him, “I don’t know. I just… Dr. Summers said it has to do with veins diverting blood away from my brain tissue. There’s um… blood. It bled. Which is bad because it can lead to brain damage, a stroke or uh… death.” Jared pauses, the word hanging heavily in the air between the three of them before he rushes to add, “It’s why I had the headaches and seizure, I guess.”

Chad sits with a thud on a chair in the corner of the room, sighing softly, “So, what happens now?”

“There’s treatment, some type of surgery. It’s gonna take some time in the beginning though,” Jared’s head falls back on the pillow and he tugs Jensen until the man climbs up on the other side of the mattress beside him, laying against his chest. “I don’t think I’m gonna be able to keep working. Not for awhile at least.”

His roommate sucks in a quick breath and shakes his head, “Dude, you know I can’t afford that place by myself.”

“You’ll have to get a new roommate,” Jared whispers, hand curling around Jensen’s back as. “I uh… I guess I’ll have to go back to Texas, get treatment there. Live with my family again.”

Jensen sits up, shaking his head violently, “No. No way, you’re not going back to Texas. You’ll live with me. I can afford it until you’re better and feel like you can work again.”

Chad laughs, shaking his head, “Fucking rainbows.”

Jared arches at eyebrow at that but responds to Jensen instead – sometimes it’s just better to ignore Chad, “I couldn’t impose on you like that Jen.”

“Impose?” Jensen sighs and lies back down beside him. “No, you wouldn’t be imposing. Jared. I’m blind, there’s no way I’m getting on an airplane to fly out to Texas to see you. So you better just stay here.”

“How long will you have to be in the hospital?” Chad asks, pushing out of the chair and walking to the window to gaze out at the parking lot. He keeps his back to them and Jared watches him run a hand through buzz cropped blonde hair.

It’s hard to ignore the new swell of fear that rises up in him at the prospect of an extended hospital stay and he has to take several deep breaths before he can answer, “I’m not sure right now. They have to do this angiogram thing this afternoon, then I guess they’ll know when the treatments can start. But I’m sure we can get my stuff out of your place soon.”

Chad shakes his head, turning back to him with eyes that are surprisingly caring, “Hey, I’m not kicking you out dude. I mean, yeah, I’m gonna need to get a new roommate, but we’ll figure that out later okay? I was just gonna say you need to call your family.”

Blood drains from his face as he wets his lips nervously, “God… yeah. My momma… shit I should call her now.”

Jensen presses a chaste kiss to his lips before climbing of the bed, leaving the room with Chad to give Jared the opportunity to talk with his family in private. His palm is sweaty as he reaches for his cell phone, turning it on and taking several deep breaths before punching the third button on speed dial.

“Hello?” Megan answers and just hearing his sister’s voice makes his heart ache all over again. Or just reminds him of the constant ache that’s been growing since Dr. Summers spoke to him less than an hour ago. “Hello? Jared?”

“Yeah,” Jared whispers, clearing his throat. “Is mom there?”

“Oh nice to talk to you too,” Megan scoffs and Jared can just picture her placing a hand indignantly on her hip, standing in the hallway – that’s over decorated with cowboy paraphernalia – of his family’s home.

“Megan, please. It’s important,” He presses, rubbing the bridge of his nose with a thumb and forefinger.

She must pick up on the tension in his voice because she says, “Okay.” Then there’s a soft thump and he can hear her distant call for their mother.

Several long beats of silence pass before he can hear his mother’s soft, “Who is it?” Then Megan’s answer, “Jared.”

“Jared, honey?” His mother says directly into the device this time and his heart lurches. He really has no idea how to say this.

“Mom… I’m in the hospital…”

*

Chad guides him to the unit’s waiting room wordlessly. It only briefly flickers in his mind how odd it is to suddenly be finding comfort in the man’s presence, “He’s going to be okay.”

It’s not really a question but Chad responds anyways, “Yeah, he is.”

They sit in silence on cold plastic chairs. Jensen runs his fingers up and down his walking stick, memorizing it’s length and shape. He’s not really sure what to think, not even sure his brain is up to processing anything.

“I see what he likes about you,” Chad says quietly then scoffs as if disgusted with himself. “Shit less then an hour with you and I’m sound as fucking gay as he is. It must be some kinda disease.”

“Oh yeah, got to be careful,” Jensen chuckles, shaking his head. “You’ll catch the gay if you’re not.”

Chad snorts and shifts on the plastic chair, causing it to crack under his weight. Jensen can hear the distant beeping of various machines and the low murmur of televisions. Everything smells overly sterilized with just the faintest hint of blood that he figures the average person would never be able to pick up on.

If Jensen’s honest with himself he’s only about two steps away from panic. He wants to hunt down the Doctor and find out everything there is to know about this disease and how he can make it better. Hell, he’d happily shell out whatever costs to ensure Jared makes it through this alive and kicking.

Really there’s not much he can do besides forking out money. He can’t hunt down the Doctor because he can’t see her and it’s not like he has a computer that could do the research for him online. Though he imagines those things probably exist somewhere out there with the way technology is.

Jensen thinks he could ask Chad to help, but then it’d really be Chad doing the work and it would only make him feel twice as helpless.

“Look dude,” Chad says, startling him out of his thought cycle – which is probably a good thing since it was steadily sending him down a depressing path. “I don’t know you very well. Or, you know, at all, but I can tell you’re beating yourself up over something. My guess is you feel helpless ‘cause you’re blind and can’t really do anything useful for Jared.”

This is one of those times Jensen wishes he could see just so he could look at Chad with wide, surprised eyes. Jared had once mentioned that Chad was blunt – in fact he had even compared his roommate to Anya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer – but Jensen had always assumed he’d been exaggerating. This statement definitely disproved that.

The thing was, though, Chad was right. Which was a little uncanny considering how very little Chad knew about him, “Okay. Maybe a little.”

“Figured,” Chad says casually and silence once more falls between them. Jensen’s just starting to think Chad is going to leave it at that when the man goes on, “Jared’s one of the strongest people I know, he’ll get through this. Especially if he gets to lounge around with you at your fancy ocean side apartment while he’s recovering. You two will fuck like bunnies or whatever. Live happily ever after and shit. So stop beating yourself up.”

A soft smile lines Jensen’s features, “Well, aren’t you the romantic.”

“Just keep it to yourself Ackles,” Chad scoffs and pushes out of the seat. “I’m gonna go check on him. Don’t wonder off now.”

Jensen chuckles under his breath, leaning back in his chair as he listens to the soft thud of Chad’s shoes on the linoleum.

*

“Did they freak?” Chad asks, closing the hospital door behind him and coming to sit on the end of his bed.

Staring down at the phone in his lap Jared bites his lip and slowly shakes his head. He’s trying not to cry because he’s been doing that a lot today and it’s starting to get a little overwhelming, “They’re coming out.”

“No surprise there,” Chad shrugs and reaches across the bed to pat his arm. “Dude, take a few deep breaths, you’re gonna be fine. And hey, you get to shack up with boy wonder so it’s a win-win in my book.”

Jared looks up from the phone, smiling fondly at his friend, “You’re right there. I guess now what I’ve really got to be worried about is my family meeting Jensen.”

Chad laughs, jumping off the bed and moving to the window again, “As long as you two don’t get caught fucking I think it’ll be okay.”

“God we haven’t,” Jared shakes his head, scratching absently at the spot on his arm were the IV is inserted. “Chad, I’m really sorry-“

“Don’t, dude,” The blond turns back to him and scowls. “I’m so not into a chick flick moment. You’re not gonna die, you don’t need to make apologies and get all sappy and shit.”

“I was going to apologize for having to move out,” Jared offers and shrugs when Chad just arches an eyebrow at him. “Alright… so um… where’s Jensen?”

“I sent him off to wonder in traffic,” Chad shrugs and walks across the room. “I’ll go fetch him.”

Jared smiles faintly as Chad leaves the room and lets his head fall back against the pillow. He’s still reeling slightly from listening to his mother break down on the phone.

Hell, from the last twenty four hours. It’s somewhat like being slapped in the face with the daunting facts of reality, with mortality. He suddenly wants to do everything that he’s never had the chance to do all at once.

He wants to go to Paris, climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower and describe the view to Jensen. Maybe hold hands and share some sweet romantic kiss as the sun sets. Then they can hide away in a cramped hotel room and make love for twelve hours straight and Jensen can teach Jared all there is to know about being with a man.

Or they could just do the making love part here, as soon as possible because Jared – though he’s not going to admit it out loud any time soon – has only ever been sucked off once and he really wants to know more. Feel more. Jensen seems like the right person to do that with and just considering it helps distract his mind from the knowledge of being sick, from bleeding in places he shouldn’t be bleeding in.

For awhile he allows himself to forget because it’s easier then facing the truth and then Chad is leading Jensen in and Jared pushes daydreams away to focus on the real man in front of him.

*

“Thanks for all your help Mr. Ackles,” Jared runs a hand through his hair as he scans the stack of boxes lining the wall then looks over at Jensen – who’s leaning against the back of the couch – head tilted to the side, simply listening.

“Please call me Alan, Jared, you’re making me feel old,” Alan insists for the tenth or so time and Jared laughs softly, watching Jensen’s bright smile from the corner of his eye. “And it’s the least I could do considering…”

He trails off and Jared wets his lips, nodding, “Yeah I know, wouldn’t want me to die from carrying boxes.”

There’s a brief, awkward pause in the room where Jensen’s smile slips and Alan’s lips notch in a slight frown. It’s broken by Chad huffing loudly as he lugs a large box inside the apartment, “Damn Padalecki how much shit do you have?”

Jared turns to him and steps forward, holding out his arms, “I can help.”

“Dr. Summers said to take it easy Jared,” Jensen instructs, pushing off the couch and folding his arms over his chest. “That means no heavy lifting. Do you want to go back to the hospital?”

Just the thought of being back in that colorless room makes his heart quicken and he shakes his head, three days was definitely enough for him, “No. Sorry. I know you guys are working hard to keep me alive and kickin’ so I won’t go inducing my own suicide.”

Chad arches an eyebrow curiously at him before turning back to the apartment’s front door, clearing his throat before saying, “Okay… there’s just one more. I’ll grab that then I’m fuckin’ done.”

“So when does your parents flight land Jared?” Alan asks as Jared walks to the stack of boxes and opens the large one Chad had just carried in.

“Tomorrow around eleven,” Jared pulls out a stack of CDs and turns to place them on the hall table. “They’re renting a car at the airport. I guess they want to be here for the first treatment even though I told them it was just a twenty four hour thing.”

“I’m sure they’ll feel more comfortable seeing it for themselves. How often will you have to do that?” Alan asks, walking into the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water.

“A few times over the next month or so,” Jared rifles through the rest of the box’s contents but decides against unloading anymore. It feels mildly strange, the idea of living with Jensen, even if he’s spent the better part of his days here over the last few months. He’s just not completely certain what him and Jensen are and living together definitely doesn’t make it any clearer.

Jensen clears his throat, “Jared, you can put your CDs with mine over there by the TV, just use the empty shelf.”

“How’d you do that?” Chad asks curiously, hefting the final box onto the stack to the right of the one previously opened by Jared. “I mean, know what he had in his hands?” He explains further when they turn towards him.

“He’s wonder boy remember?” Jared snickers, carrying the CDs to the entertainment center. “Wonder boy and his terminally ill sidekick.”

A thick, heavy silence blankets the apartment and everyone turns towards Jared – who is busy alphabetizing the CDs and ignoring the obvious awkward tension of the room. “Um…” Jensen clears his throat. “Generally, if you lose one sense your other senses begin to over compensate.”

“Cool,” Chad nods and Jared turns back to him, arching an eyebrow because Jensen being blind is not exactly something he would call _cool_. “So Jared, I seem to recall something about free food?” The blond grins, already walking towards the kitchen.

*

Their lips slide together as Jared pulls Jensen firm against the heat of his chest, backing them up until the bed bumps his calves. Jensen’s heart hammers heavily in his chest as he tightens his fingers in the soft cotton of Jared’s shirt. Everything tilts as they fall back on the bed and his head spins with the intoxicating taste of Jared and lack of air.

“I’m so lucky to have such a hot, sweet, and delicious boyfriend,” Jared murmurs, fingers crawling under Jensen’s shirt to tug it up and over the man’s head.

Jensen lifts his arms so the article of clothing can be pulled off and dropped to the floor with a quiet swoosh, “Boyfriend huh?”

Soft, warm lips kiss meaningless patterns across his chest and Jared speaks against his skin, “I figured as much. Unless you’re planning some kinky trading sex for rent contract.”

Carding a hand through Jared’s hair, Jensen lets out a chuckle that ends in a moan as Jared’s tongue darts out and swirls around his nipple. Its been so long since he’s done anything with anyone – a good six or seven months _before_ his accident – he can hardly stand the ache in his groin, “You are my sex slave Jared Padalecki.” He tries to sound authoritative but the way it comes out in a breathless moan doesn’t really help.

Jared grins against his flesh before trailing a tongue down the flat of his stomach, stopping at the beginning of jeans. Everything in Jensen screams _yes yes yes_ when Jared’s fingers tug at his belt but the logical part of his brain has him sitting up and scooting back to sit against the headboard. “What?” Jared asks in confusion.

“I don’t think we should do this now. You’re supposed to be taking it easy,” Jensen reaches out into the darkness for Jared, silently asking the man to join him.

It’s quiet for a few moments and Jensen is just beginning to worry Jared has tip toed off when a warm hand entwines with his own, “Nothing bad is going to happen if I give you head Jensen.”

“But I wouldn’t be able to reciprocate and that’s just not fair,” Jensen tightens his fingers and tries for a soft, understanding smile. After all, if he knew Jared would be alright he’d push the man down on the bed and have his wicked way with him.

“Dude, we have to do _something_ ,” Jared snorts and presses up against Jensen’s side. “I am so not dying a virgin.”

Jensen has to process this sentence several times because he’s not sure exactly how to respond. The man in him wants to question the virginity statement but the part of him that’s fallen in love with Jared can’t let the underlying meaning of the sentence – in addition to the comments earlier – go unaddressed any longer, “Do you think this is funny?”

The body beside him stiffens and Jensen can practically _feel_ Jared’s eyes boring into him, “Excuse me?”

“You’ve been making jokes about dying all day and personally I have to say that’s a little fucked up,” Jensen throws his arms up in exasperation.

“Jensen-“

“You’re not going to die Jared. The Doctor seemed completely confident in the whole embolization therapy.”

“Jen-“

“And going around making casual comments about dropping dead isn’t going to make anything better!”

“God,” Jared chokes on the word and Jensen – mouth open with another ranting sentence on the tip of his tongue – stops abruptly.

He reaches a hand out, tracing finger tips down Jared’s face – only mildly startled to feel the cool wet of tears, “Oh Jared.” He opens his arms and Jared falls across his bare chest with a heart wrenching sob.

“But I _could_ die! Something could happen to cause the bleeding to act up again. Shit Jensen, Dr. Summers said there’s a ten to fifteen percent chance of death! That’s a lot and I’m only twenty five! I’m too young for all of this. It’s not fair. I shouldn’t have to go through this.”

Jensen runs a hand soothingly through Jared’s hair, letting him cry even though the tears are cold on his bare skin. He doesn’t point out the fact that he knows _exactly_ how Jared feels, that he’s right about everything. Because it isn’t fair and Jensen hates that Jared has to experience this kind of pain.

Underneath everything Jensen can feel the connection between them swell and interlock tightly. It’s like a moment of clarity and he knows, no matter what happens, he will stick by Jared’s side and Jared by his.

“I may be a little in love with you,” Jensen whisper into the silence that comes when Jared has cried himself out. Its horrible timing – Jensen wants to bite it back the moment it tumbles from his lips – but it’s out there and hangs in the air like the smell of salt water clings to the walls.

“Just a little?” Jared’s voice is tired and hoarse but holds a definite note of amusement.

Jensen smiles and traces Jared’s earlobe softly with the tip of his index finger, “Yeah. Or, you know, a lot.”

 **Author’s Note:** For more info on AVM (and to see where I got my info) please reference [here (a pdf site)](http://www.americanheart.org/downloadable/stroke/1095279678689What_Is_an_Arteriovenous_Malformation_Final%20Science%20review%206-03-03%20vF3.pdf) or [here](http://www.cumc.columbia.edu/dept/cerebro/AVM.htm#Link1).


	8. Chapter 8

“Are you nervous?” Jared flips the grilled cheese sandwich in the frying pan, glancing at Jensen who sits perched on the bar stool running fingers over a book on Braille Jared had bought him last week.

The shorter man stops, fingers hovering over the L and M of the alphabet he’s attempting to memorize, “About meeting your family? Not really. They know you’re gay right?” Jensen’s head snaps up, “They do know right?”

Jared laughs at the sudden level of panic in Jensen’s voice, “Yeah they know. I came out in High School. Also, I’ve mentioned you to them. Not so much that we’re living together but yeah…”

Sighing in relief, Jensen resumes running fingers over the bumps on the page, “Are they meeting us here or…?”

“I gave them this address, I hope that’s okay,” Jared knows he sounds nervous because he is. Outrageously so. Even if he came out to his parents years ago he’s never had more then a casual, two week relationship. This thing with Jensen is anything but a casual relationship.

“Yeah its okay, you probably shouldn’t drive much anyways,” Jensen pushes the book to the side as Jared sets the plate in front of him. Jared sighs quietly and Jensen shakes his head, “I know, I’m sorry. You hate feeling limited. I get that.”

“Do you?” Jared snaps, eyes widening with surprise at his tone a second after the words leave his lips. He can see the shock on Jensen’s face as well and moves quickly around the counter to rest a hand on his arm, “I didn’t mean that Jen.”

Jensen pushes out of the chair, rising to his feet and stepping out of Jared’s reach, “You have some nerve.”

“I wasn’t thinking. I’m still trying to get used to everything okay?” He runs a hand shakily up through his hair. “You can’t really understand what it’s like.”

“God Jared, I’m fucking blind!” Jensen rounds on him, arms flying up in frustration. “I had my _whole_ life ahead of me and I lost that in one little accident. You think I don’t know what it feels like to be helpless? Because I get it. I fucking _get it_ Jared.”

Jared’s heart is racing in that uncomfortable way that makes his head rush and he has to reach out to the counter to brace himself, “Jensen, I’m sorry.”

There’s a moment of hesitation where Jensen takes a deep breath as if to go on in his angry rant then he bites the words back, “I know. Sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped like that.”

Hesitantly, Jared releases his grip from the counter and steps forward, reaching out to rest a hand on Jensen’s arm, “We are one fucked up couple.”

Jensen laughs, turning towards the touch and stepping into his warmth, “I suppose you could say that. Only its not entirely true.”

“No?” Jared wraps his arms low around Jensen’s waist, ducking down to press soft kisses along his neck.

“No,” Head tilting back, Jensen breaths the word out on an exhale. “Separate us and I’d say we’re pretty fucked up. Together though, it’s like, we make a whole.”

Jared smiles brightly against his skin, pulling back a little to gaze lovingly down at Jensen, “Well that’s really sweet. Incredibly cheesy like we’ve just stepped into a Mandy Moore film but… sweet.”

“Mandy Moore?” Jensen’s eyebrows arch up, face lighting with amusement.

“Shut up,” Jared laughs, dipping slightly once more to seal his lips over the shorter man’s. Once more he tightens his arms around Jensen’s waist, pulling him full flush against his body as their lips part and their tongues slowly tangle together.

Kissing Jensen is probably one of the most intoxicating things Jared has ever experienced. Their lips fit together perfectly and every touch – Jensen’s fingers threading up through his hair, his hips pressing gently against his own – sends thrills of pleasure down his spine. Everything in him screams for more so he instinctively moves Jensen back towards the couch.

“Jay…” Jensen breathes, palm pressing firm against Jared’s chest. “The sandwich is getting cold.”

Jared chuckles low in his throat, adjusting the uncomfortable heat pressing against the front of his jeans, “Right.” He turns from him, wrapping their fingers together and leading them back to the counter, mumbling, “Cock tease.”

“I heard that Padalecki,” Jensen chuckles, trailing his free hand up Jared’s arm slowly. A small, silly smile dancing along his lips.

Jared turns to him, retort on the tip of his tongue, but is cut off by Jensen pushing him back against the counter. A shiver crawls up his body as Jensen arches deliciously forward, hips pressing together in a blinding heat through denim.

“I’ll show you cock tease,” He whispers, tongue flicking out along the bottom of his ear lobe. “I’ll rile you all up, maybe finally feel the weight of you in my palm. I’d love to feel your heat against my skin. Learn your taste. Mmm,” Jensen nuzzles against Jared’s neck, fingers pushing up under Jared’s shirt. “I want to feel you in me. God, I can’t even fathom how good it’s gonna feel. Just kissing you spins my world, feeling you buried deep inside me is going to be like fucking fireworks.”

Taking several deep breathes Jared presses forward into Jensen, hands tightening on his hips to keep him in place, “Are you trying to drive me insane? It’s really not very nice… jerk.”

Jensen snorts against his skin where his mouth is still pressed, pulling back he reaches out to run a hand through Jared’s hair, “Aren’t I just a big ol’ meanie butt?”

“Are you mocking me?” Jared shakes his head, stepping away in faux offense. “I will not be mocked by a… by a… shortie!”

In a familiar look of amusement Jensen’s eyebrows arch up towards his hair line. He chuckles low in his throat, obviously still aroused by their previous conversation, “Whoa, watch the name slinging cowboy. My fragile ego can only take so much.”

Jared opens his mouth to retort with his best witty come back – something along the lines of ‘cowboys knowing how to ride’ or such – but is cut off by his cell phone ringing. The nerves from before swore back up in him when _Mom_ flashes on the caller ID, “It’s my Mother.”

“Oh,” Jensen tenses, hand reflexively reaching up to his head smooth down already perfect hair. “I guess you should uh, answer it then.”

“I should.”

*

Jensen really wishes he could look around the front room and ensure everything is spotless and in it’s place. It would be really embarrassing if for some reason Jared had missed a pair of boxers or some other article of clothing. He has to reassure himself that Jared knows how to clean the place, that and he hasn’t undressed outside his bedroom in years.

From the moment Jensen’s eye sight was taken from him, his other senses having been working double time. It seems his hearing and sense of smell have adapted the quickest – though after the moment with Jared earlier he thinks touch is not far behind. This is how he manages to take several deep breaths to calm himself before the Padalecki’s even reach the top of the stairs.

He can clearly hear Jared’s excited, “Wait until you see the view, it’s amazing.” Then a hesitation and their footsteps stop. “Guys, try not to say anything about seeing stuff. Like, nice to see you and stuff. I mean, Jensen’s not overly sensitive but just… you know, awkward.”

A vague smile tugs on Jensen’s lips. It really doesn’t surprise him that Jared would say something like this, always seeming to have his best interest in mind, from the very beginning.

“I still don’t see how you can date a blind dude,” A girl remarks and Jensen quirks an eyebrow, he hadn’t expected Jared’s sister to join them – he assumes that’s who she has to be because she sounds much too young to be his mother.

There’s an amused note to Jared’s, “Oh you’ll see,” before they’re moving forward again.

Jensen smooths his palms down his thighs, wetting his lips, a little surprised by the sudden on slot of nerves. At the last minute it occurs to him that it’s a little awkward to just be standing in the middle of the room between the couch and the dining table but there’s not enough time to move without being caught mid step.

The door creaks open and he finds himself casually inhaling. In normal circumstances first looks can mean everything, but since that is no longer an option Jensen decides smell is going to have to work. Of course it would be hard to think well of a person if they’ve just come from a long run with no deodorant but he’ll learn to adjust.

Mr. Padalecki smells nothing like Jared which probably isn’t odd but with the two men standing by each other it’s very noticeable. Then again the three Padalecki’s, excluding Jared, seem to reek of the new car smell and Burger King. It makes Jensen’s stomach growl and he remembers the, by now cold, sandwich waiting on the counter for him.

“Guys, this is Jensen. Jensen, this is my Dad, Gerry. My Mom, Sherri, and sister Megan,” Jared steps up beside him, grasping his elbow and leading him forward.

Jensen holds out a hand towards Mr. Padalecki. He will always hate this part, hand hovering awkwardly in the air, having no idea how close or far he may be to the person, “Nice to meet you all.”

“Nice to meet you too,” Gerry firmly grasps his hand, followed by Sherri and then Megan, both repeating the sentiment.

“Your apartment is lovely Jensen,” Sherri observes and he tilts his head to the side, listening to her adjust her purse along her shoulder.

“Thank you,” He smiles politely, gesturing towards the hall table. “Feel free to set your things over there. Would you like something to drink?”

Jared snorts, “Ah that’s my Jen, perfect little host even if he’s most likely going to spill the drink all over you.”

Jensen can hear the sharp intake from Jared’s family and he shakes his head with a small fond smile. He’s sure after the warning Jared had just given his family out in the hall the remark must sound down right rude, “Well Jared, someone has to be polite to our guests. Can’t leave it up to you right?”

This remark receives an amused chuckle and the tension layering the apartment fades slightly.

Until Megan says, “Good god look at that view! You must spend every night staring at the…” She trails off awkwardly and Sherri hisses her name quietly.

A faint blush crawls up Jensen’s cheeks and he turns towards the ocean, “Its okay. She’s right. It’s a beautiful view. Sadly I didn’t admire it enough when it really counted.”

Jared clears his throat after a few beats of silence, “Well, I’m going to go get myself a Coke. Who wants one?”

“Yes please.” Megan steps forward to join him in the kitchen and Jensen can hear her mumble. “God Jay, I’m sorry. That was a stupid thing to say. But um, I get what you mean. He’s fucking gorgeous.”

Smiling Jensen reaches up to rub the back of his neck and walks towards the glass patio doors. He opens the door, closing the screen instead before turning slightly as Sherri steps beside him, “Is my son alright?”

“He’s going to be,” Jensen responds without hesitation. He can hear the note of worry to her words and he tries his best to smile reassuringly. “From everything I’ve learned about AVM so far, it can be treated. We’ll have a better idea next week, after the first session.”

There’s a long pause before Sherri says suddenly, “Oh right. Okay.” Jensen figures she most likely nodded then realized Jensen wasn’t able to see that.

“Mom? Water?” Jared joins them, stepping into the space between him and Sherri, left arm reaching out to wrap around Jensen’s waist.

*

“Jared, we’ve discussed some stuff and we think there’s a few things we need to get taken care of while we’re out here,” Gerry says when they all sit at the table after both boys have had a chance to eat.

He bounces his leg rapidly on the ball of his foot until Jensen rest a hand over his thigh. Taking a deep breath he twines his fingers with Jensen’s and nods, “Okay, like what?”

“Well, a will for one,” His mother says quickly, voice breaking over the words.

It’s like a punch in his gut and he sucks in a harsh breath, “A will?”

“I’ve made one,” Jensen says softly, squeezing Jared’s hand reassuringly. “Its pretty wise to make one once you’ve left home. I first did mine years before the accident.”

“Okay,” He nods, trying to ignore the spark of fear the idea of making a will sends through him. “Alright I’ll do that. So, what else?”

“Well, I know you like it here,” His father’s pause is heavy and Jared can already feel the sinking in his gut at the words not yet spoken. “But we really think you should come home with us. Your mother and I can support you during this.”

Jensen stiffens beside him and Jared tries desperately to communicate telepathically to him that he would never leave. Even if he’s sick and may get even more sick before he’s better, “I’m sorry. I really can’t do that.”

A thick tension settles over them and Jared wonders if this is how their entire trip is going to be. Awkward moments hovering heavily in the air until someone attempts a halfhearted joke to break it.

This time Jensen takes that position, “I know you worry a blind guy is incapable of looking after Jared.” Only this isn’t much of a joke and Jared turns to him, waiting for the supposed punch line. “But I can. I owe him that, for… for a lot of reasons. And I… I need him here. I really don’t know what I would do without him.”

Another long pause, this time filled less with tension and more with wonderment. He figures his parents weren’t really aware of how strong their relationship is, how tightly they are bonded.

“How sweet,” Megan says softly and Jared can’t help grinning at her.

“Well then,” Sherri clears her throat, looking at her husband then back at Jared with wide, glassy eyes. It occurs to him how hard this has to be on her and why moving home would mean so much.

He just can’t let himself think that way; because, moving back to Texas would almost be like admitting defeat on life, “I’m sorry Mom. But I’m going to be okay, you know? And I love Jensen, I want to stay with him.”

“It wouldn’t be forever,” She insists. “And Jensen could come and visit at any time.”

“He’s blind Mom,” Megan points out as if they didn’t all already know that. “What’s he gonna do, meander through an airport alone and hop on a plane?”

“They have people to assist you with those sorts of things.”

Jensen pushes up from the table, “Maybe it would just be better if I let you discuss this all as a family.” He turns towards Jared and leans down to press a kiss against the top of his head. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

Jared watches him move to the counter, grabbing the Braille book before walking down the hallway. Slowly he turns back to his family, eyes narrowing, “I’m not moving back to Texas. California is my home. _Jensen_ is my home.”

Gerry sighs and lays a hand over his wife’s fingers, “Jared you need to consider all the facts here. What if you get too sick to grocery shop? What if you pass out while Jensen’s in the other room and he doesn’t know?”

“So I’ll get one of those life alert things that they sell for old people. And Jensen has local family we can ask to grocery shop,” Jared sighs, leaning both elbows on the table so he can thread his fingers up through his hair. “Look you’re not talking me out this. Now, why don’t you guys head over to the hotel and get checked in then we’ll do dinner tonight okay?”

“Just…” Sherri reaches out to him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “Please just think about it a little. Talk it over logically with Jensen.”

He forces himself to nod and smile at her as they rise form the table. Sometimes it’s better to just agree with his mother even if his mind is already made up. Which it really is.

After seeing them out, Jared falls back against the door. His eyes fall closed and he lets out a low, heavy sigh.

“They’ll come around,” Jensen says softly from the hall and Jared looks up, smiling at just the sight of him.

“I know, just… seeing them brings it all forward again. Every time I think I’ve adjusted to the idea of…” He trails off, sighing again before walking forward and lacing his fingers with Jensen’s.

“Yeah,” Jensen pulls him forward, pressing a soft kiss against his lips. “I get it.”

*

“Let’s get a dog,” Jensen is a little surprised at the words coming out of his mouth even as he allows them to continue.

“Really?” Jared bounces the bed in excitement. “Like a real dog?!”

“No, I was thinking one of the fake varieties,” Jensen smirks, pushing Jared down so he can rest his head in the taller man’s lap.

He can feel the rumble of Jared’s body under him, fingers coming up to trail through his hair, “Like a stuffed one?”

“Jay,” He snorts, shaking his head. “If we get a puppy, maybe you can train him or her to be a seeing eye dog.”

“That is a great idea,” Jared sounds thrilled, tucking his hands under Jensen’s body and pulling him up so they can press lips together. “Wow… a puppy. You really are the best boyfriend ever.”

Jensen just laughs as he slides once more down Jared’s body, relaxing in his lap. They lay in comfortable silence for awhile, Jared’s hand stroking absently through his hair.

“Are you allowed to have pets here?” He considers aloud, head thumbing back against the headboard.

This was the actually point of bringing up the puppy thing in the first place and Jensen can’t help smiling because he knew Jared would reach this logic eventually, “No. I’m not.”

“Oh…” Jared sounds genuinely disappointed so Jensen presses on.

“That’s why… well… I thought it would be a good idea to move. You know, get a house or something. Still on the beach if we can find a good one,” He tries for casual but his voice shakes with the nerves the suggestion brings. Moving in together is one thing, but buying a house is a whole different situation.

“You want to buy a house?” Jared’s hand hovers just over his head, obviously a little confused with the twist in the conversation.

He has to clear his throat before saying the next part, trying to remember exactly how he planned it out in his head, “I thought… well I was thinking maybe we could buy a house together. I mean, I’d put up the down payment and stuff but you know, both of us on the papers and such.”

It’s quiet for a long time after this and Jensen has to push himself out of Jared’s lap because he thinks he’s going to be sick if he just keeps waiting for an answer that doesn’t seem to be coming.

“Wow Jen… I didn’t… I don’t…”

“It’s okay,” Jensen is quick to retract his words, sliding off the bed and taking several halting steps towards the closet. “We really don’t have to. It was a stupid idea. We can just stay here.” He’s really not sure why he’s being so emotional about this whole thing, the idea of Jared saying no makes him feel queasy though.

“No Jensen,” Jared is there in a heartbeat, strong arms wrapping tight around him. “I want this. I mean, the house. Let’s get a house.” He laughs a little dazedly as if he can’t believe he’s saying this. “Let’s get a house on the beach and a puppy that I can train to be your seeing eye dog.”

Jensen spins in his arms, smiling brightly before reaching out to touch Jared’s cheek and guide their lips together.

*

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Jared whispers softly, tightening his hands around the white hospital blanket covering him.

His mother’s hand smooths over his forehead, a faint smile contradicting the worry in her eyes, “I know sweetie, but you’ll get through this. Tomorrow you’ll go home and things are going to get better.”

“We’re getting a puppy,” He says quickly, eyes shining with unshed tears. The fear continues to churn his stomach unpleasantly, but the idea of a little puppy dog belonging to him and Jensen helps a little.

Jensen chuckles at his side, squeezing his hand comfortingly, “Right. I think you’ve only told them that about a hundred times this week.”

“A thousand,” Megan retorts, sounding annoyed but looking almost terrified to see her older brother surrounded by so much hospital white.

“Shut up,” He smiles warmly at her, trying to give her some confidence that he, himself can’t seem to find.

“Okay Mr. Padalecki, Dr. Summers is ready for you now,” The nurse comes into the room followed by two transportation guys in green scrubs.

That overwhelming feeling of nauseous climbs up in him again and he stares up at his parents with wide, scared eyes. “Mom… Dad…”

“It’s okay,” Gerry assures him, squeezing his shoulder. “We’ll see you soon okay?”

“We love you honey,” Sherri beams and they step back, his father’s arm coming to wrap around her waist in support.

Megan slaps his leg before stepping up beside his head, “I want to meet this puppy Jay so just… don’t die okay?”

Jared snorts, shaking his head, “Very supportive Meg.” Her lip quivers uncertainly and he reaches out to touch her arm. “I won’t.”

When she steps back to join his parents he turns slowly towards Jensen who’s head is titled down at him. His features are composed but Jared can see the slight shake to the hand not twined with his, “Jared…”

“No goodbyes or anything, that’s silly,” Jared insists, voice breaking.

“I love you,” Jensen leans down to press a brief kiss to his lips. “It’ll be over before you know it.”

“I love you too,” Jared whispers.

Then Jensen is stepping back and the men are pushing his bed out the wide door. The last thing he sees before going through the operating door – head tilted back – is Jensen standing by his family in the hallway and he can’t help the tears streaming down his cheeks.


	9. Chapter 9

Jared leaves Chad his X-Box 360 and his Playstation 3 even though Chad already has both. He also gets all the games, which in total equals around 100, so overall he comes out with the most expensive things. He’ll most likely rub it in everyone’s face, but leaving them to Jensen would just be tactless.

Megan gets his extensive CD and movie collection because she always used to steal them when he still lived at home and he figures she’d enjoy remembering him that way. Though, he does remember to separate his porn stash and replaces some of Chad’s DVDs with his own so the blond will be subjected to _Triple Size Cock Fun_ next time he goes to watch _Busty Brunette’s._

For Jeff there’s his fairly large collection of sports memorabilia, even if they don’t always like the same teams. He just doesn’t know anyone else who would appreciate bobble heads of the Dallas Cowboy’s or pillows in the shapes of team mascots.

His parents get the miscellaneous remaining stuff. Old photo albums and home movies – except the drunk one he made the night two years ago involving stripping and peeing in inappropriate places that he remembers to have Chad keep in safe storage. They get all his old yearbooks that he’s been too sentimental to throw away and a few childhood toys that had somehow made the trip with him to California.

It takes a long time for Jared to decide what to leave Jensen. He wants to put something like ‘his heart and soul’ but those aren’t really tangible items. For awhile he dances around the idea of various clothing items – for the scent of course – or the random knickknacks he’s acquired while living here.

In the end he records a tape.

Jensen finds it in a box he’s slowly been unloading onto his bed. Normally he wouldn’t even think twice about a random cassette tape, but he remembers Jared mentioning an extreme dislike for them – something about wearing out easily and never getting a mixed tape as a kid – so he decides to listen to it.

It begins with some cheesy NSYNC song that talks about God going out of his way to make one special person. It’s pretty ridiculous and Jensen laughs, sitting on the bed when Jared begins to speak.

“Don’t you just _love_ Justin Timblake?! Oh my god! He’s totally my favorite!” The deep shake of Jared’s laughter fills the room and Jensen falls back on the bed. “Well, anyways, getting on with it. Jensen if you’re listening to this I’m probably dead. That sucks but at least there’s no worry about pain right?

“But um… look Jen, you’re probably the strongest person I know. I never would have been able to handle being blind. I’d have given up from the very beginning but you didn’t do that. You kept going even though I know you felt helpless and I know you felt like there was no reason too.

“And you’ll do that now too. Keep going. Not saying that loosing me would cause you to go all suicidal, but your emo streak does run pretty deep.”

Jensen snorts, shaking his head and reaching up to rub at the sting in his eyes.

“The facts are this okay? I love you Jensen Ackles. More then I’ve ever loved anyone. I also can’t believe you let me die a virgin! Oh well, nothing can change it now. As I was saying, you’re kind of my sun and moon. Better than chocolate or ice cream or Skittles. And I-“

“Jared what are you doing?” Chad’s voice cuts across the tape and Jared huffs loudly.

“Fuck off Chad! I said I needed a minute!”

“But dude, Wonderboy is gonna beat us at Monopoly and he’s fucking blind!”

“That’s because Megan’s helping him and she cheats. Check her lap for stashed money and I’ll be right there!”

“Alright, alright,” Chad mumbles and his voice trails off before a door closes in the background.

“Fucking Chad,” Jared growls and pauses several long beats. “Damn, where was I? Oh right! Better than Skittles! I love Skittles you know? But not as much as I love you. If I had lived I would have wanted to spend forever with you. We would have been one of those stylish old gay couples like that one dude who played Sulu on Star Trek, you know?

“But, since I’m gone and that’s not gonna happen, don’t forget me okay? Keep this tape and listen to it whenever you just don’t think you can stand anymore. And please keep living, for me? I love you.”

The tape fades to static then and Jensen pushes up, heart aching uncomfortably.

“There you are!” Jared comes into the room, stopping when he sees the tape player in Jensen’s hand. “Oh, you weren’t supposed to listen to that.”

“Did you mean it?” Jensen steps into him, needing to feel his warmth after the cold ache the thought of loosing him brought.

“Every word,” Jared presses a firm but chaste kiss to his lips. “Now come on! We’ve got a house to hunt for!”

Jensen chuckles and allows Jared to pull him out of the room.

*

“Mom, I’m fine,” Jared insists into the phone, flipping the blinker up and catching Jensen’s smile out the corner of his eye. “I swear.”

“I just think you guys are pushing things too fast. You should stay at Jensen’s until your treatments are over. You were so weak after your last one,” The tone of his mother’s voice is filled with a familiar worry.

He sighs softly, clearing his throat, “Mom, Jensen’s lease is up at the end of this month. We need to move by then or be forced to stay another year. Now I’m sorry if you don’t believe me but really, I am fine. Don’t worry, Chad is going to help with the moving along with Jensen’s family and friends. So please, just… just trust me on this okay?”

In the silence that falls across the line Jensen’s hand comes to rest on his thigh, squeezing in comfort. Jared briefly lays his fingers across the top of his hand before returning them to the steering wheel.

“Mom?”

“Alright, I’ll trust you just… keep in mind that I’m your mother and I’m always going to worry. Have a little patience with me,” Her voice is quiet and he instantly feels guilty for snapping like he did.

“Alright, I’ll be patient,” Jared forces a laugh as they pull into a short driveway of a wooden beach house partially covered by a large Willow tree. “We just got to this house for a tour okay? I’ll call you later and let you know how it went.”

“Okay, don’t make any rash decisions.” His mother instructs. “Love you honey.”

Jared smiles fondly, shifting the car into park, “Love you too Mom. Talk to you later.” He opens the car door and climbs out. “Alright dude, let’s go do this thing.”

*

“Now this one has two and a half baths and four bedrooms. Two of the bedrooms are downstairs, they could easily be used as guest rooms. The master bedroom is down this hallway with an adjoining bath,” The real estate agent pauses in the hallway, gesturing to her left. “This is the half bath, no shower or tub but it’ll be great for company.”

“And the deck faces the ocean?” Jensen asks, more to Jared because it still makes him a little uncomfortable to point out the fact that he can’t see.

The woman’s steps falter, “Oh um, yes. The deck was just redone, all new wood and furniture that comes with the house.”

“It’s gorgeous,” Jared mumbles in his general direction, squeezing Jensen’s hand tightly. “The carpet is a warm golden brown, really plush. And the walls are a little off white, they compliment each other perfectly.”

“Like us,” Jensen says calmly then snorts at his own cheesiness.

The real estate agent clears her throat, “You two are quite the couple, will this be your first home together?”

“Yeah,” Jensen nods. “So does the house have its own entrance to the beach?”

“Yes. On the second floor there’s the laundry room with a door that leads out to an outdoor shower and steps down to beach. Would you like to go look… I mean, we could go down there?”

By this point Jensen’s tired of the awkward moments people tend to have around him but is beginning to accept it’s all part of the being blind thing. He’s sure, given enough time, the comments will most likely slide off his shoulders without a second thought.

“Jared, why don’t you go down and check it out. I’m going to get a feel for the living room okay?”

Jensen runs his hand along the wall, listening to the crash of waves against the beach only slightly muffled by the back wall. It’s a little strange being here, trying to imagine a whole life with Jared in this house.

Mostly he tries not to think this way because it only leads to self doubts. He doesn’t want to be a burden, doesn’t want Jared to constantly feel responsible for him.

If he’s honest with himself, he’ll admit that he’s probably holding Jared back from a whole different life. One where he and his boyfriend can stare lovingly into each other’s eyes. Where he doesn’t always have to make breakfast and do the shopping – or hang up outfits in a proper order just so his boyfriend has matching clothes.

“No,” Jensen says loudly, shaking his head as if to erase the thoughts.

The unique smell of Jared – somewhere between candy and musk – drifts towards him and he can’t help chuckling, “Yes, I’m talking to myself.”

“Are you saying no to the house?” Jared’s arm wraps around his waist, head dipping down to rest on his shoulder.

“Do you like it?” Jensen leans back into him.

“Very much,” He says with an amused chuckle. “It’s perfect, especially with the master bedroom upstairs. You wouldn’t have to go up and down them each day.”

“And you’re just gonna do all the laundry?” Jensen quirks, turning in his arms to lay a firm hand on his chest.

Jared snorts loudly, “No way. I was thinking we should hire a maid. We can offer the position to Chad, he’s been looking for a second job.”

Laughing, Jensen leans up slightly and presses their lips together.

They stand locked in a kiss for several long moments, tongues dancing together as fingers thread through silky locks and down broad shoulders.

Eventually they’re interrupted by the real estate agent clearing her throat, “Well? What do you boys think?”

“We’ll take it,” Jensen beams and Jared cheers, wrapping strong arms around Jensen’s waist and lifting him up off the floor to spin him around in several wide circles.

*

The bruise in the curve of his right arm from the IV is just about healed the next time Jared has to go in for a treatment. From the tests he’s had over the past two weeks it seems the first round of embolization therapy has worked the way it was meant to. This fact alone makes it a million times easier to strip down to only his underwear and slip on his hospital gown.

When he comes back into the room Jensen is talking with Dr. Summers, who has stopped by to see if he has any questions, “So what exactly do you do to him in there?”

“Well, we use an X ray machine to plant coils of wire where the blood vessels have bled. This will block that blood,” She explains and even though Jared has heard her say this before, three times now since he was also there when she explained it to his parents, it still sounds incredibly strange.

“So you’re putting bits of plastic in his brain?” Jensen’s lips quirk up and moves towards the bed where Jared is attempting to find a comfortable position.

“Basically yes,” Dr. Summers says with a smile on her words.

“Chad would surely have some choice comments about that,” Jensen chuckles, hand reaching out, hovering in the air momentarily until Jared’s palm presses flat against it.

He snorts, shaking his head slightly, “Yeah let’s not tell him. I really don’t feel like being the brunt of any jokes.”

“It’ll be my secret,” Jensen promises.

“Are you ready Jared?” Dr. Summers asks and the question sparks up a familiar fear in him. Even if the last treatment was successful, the facts still stands that their inserting _things_ into his brain and that sort of thing always comes with potential consequences.

Jensen seems to sense the shift in his mood, leaning down to press a kiss along his lips and squeezing his hand, “I’ll be here when you get out.”

A smile creeps up along his lips and he clears his throat, “Okay. Then we’ll start packing your apartment up right?”

“Right,” Jensen grins, one more squeeze of his hand and he steps back.

*

“Are you nervous about the whole thing?” Jared asks, slowly wrapping each glass in a sheet of newspaper before setting it carefully into the box open in front of him.

“About moving? Not nervous, maybe a little nostalgic?” Jensen shrugs, pulling out various cook wear from the bottom cabinet and setting it up on the counter.

Jared nods, he gets that, “You’ve lived here for awhile, so that makes sense. But I mean, are you nervous about having to learn a whole new place? Of course I’ll be there to help you out and everything but…”

A pan hovers in his hand half up to the counter as Jensen considers what Jared’s saying, “I guess I hadn’t thought much about it. It is a little nerve wracking, I suppose, but I wasn’t planning on staying here forever anyways. It had to happen eventually right? It’s a lot better having you to be there and guide me along.”

Setting another newspaper wrapped glass in the box, Jared walks over to Jensen, kneeling slightly to run a hand along the length of Jensen’s arm.

“See I guess I’ve just reached this point,” Jensen continues, turning slightly to learn into Jared’s warmth. “Where I either keep moving on, keep living my life, or just… give up. I think… if you hadn’t been here… if I’d never met you… I probably would have given up. But since you are here…”

Jared moves forward, pressing their lips together as he pulls Jensen up against him, arms tangling around his back tightly. He slowly opens his mouth, tongue meeting Jensen’s as the man’s hand curls up in his hair.

It’s not long before he’s laying them down on the hard surface of the floor, pulling apart from Jensen to position himself comfortable over him, “Jay…” the man whispers, hand reaching out to caress his cheek.

“Let me do this okay? I know, I still can’t overwork myself, but just… let me give you this…” Jared whispers, pushing his fingers up along the flat of Jensen’s stomach underneath his shirt.

A low, heavy moan falls from Jensen’s lips as Jared bends to press kisses along his skin, tongue reaching out to circle his nipple. “God Jay… it’s like fire…”

Jared smirks around his flesh, teeth scraping along his collar bone as he drags the t-shirt up and over Jensen’s head, “I hope it’s a good fire.”

The body beneath his arches up into his fingers as they graze along his waist band, “Fuck yeah…”

Another smirk and Jared is kissing his way back down Jensen’s chest, leaving small red marks from his teeth as he goes. He spends some time marking a firm purplish spot right beneath his heart as his fingers make quick work of the belt buckle, pulling it back before flipping the button open, dragging the zipper down.

“Jared…” Jensen whispers harshly, hips bucking up in a plea for more contact.

“Hey now honey, you need a bit more patience than this,” Jared grins, tongue circling teasingly around Jensen’s belly button before he bites once below.

Fingers latching around boxers and denim he pulls up and down, freeing Jensen from his confines. He gazes down at the hard length of Jensen, drop of precum already forming along the head as he watches.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” He breathes, bending once more to bite kisses along the well defined curve of hipbone. “I want to taste every inch of you…”

“Please,” Jensen once more tries to arch up but this time Jared uses large hands to hold him down.

“I said patience Jen, or you get nothing,” He instructs, smirking again against the skin.

He takes his time learning the arcs and curves of flesh that makes up Jensen’s hips, not yet touching his cock that’s sending off waves of heat. The man beneath him moans over and over as Jared’s tongue traces meaningless patterns up his inner thigh.

He runs a slow wet line up the length of his nearly weeping cock, relishing in the low guttural moan Jensen’s gives in return, “Shit Jared.”

“Shh,” Jared whispers, rounding out his lips to a perfect ‘O’ around the head of Jensen’s cock, tasting just the tip of salt and musk. It’s like tasting Jensen himself and he can’t resist the little moan that builds up in him.

Wrapping fingers around the base he slides his lips down, taking in as much as he can and using his hand to make up for the rest. He hallows his cheeks, sucking tightly as he slides up, tongue once more running over the slit there.

Jensen’s hands wrap up into hair, threading fingers tightly and tugging, “Shit _fuck_.”

“Senses overload?” Jared asks, hovering centimeters above his flesh before dipping back down.

“God yes.” Hips press up into Jared’s palms, struggling for more. “Jared god. I’m gonna fuckin’ die.”

He allows the heavy chuckle to quiver over Jensen’s flesh, only causing the man to press up more urgently, moan taking on a new note of frantic. Steadily he bobs his head up and down, adjusting to the length and thickness, relaxing his mouth until the tip just barely grazes the back of his throat and he only needs the circle of two fingers and a thumb at the base.

He can feel the tension building in Jensen, legs stiffening, fingers tightening and pulling against his hair. He’s moaning various curse words and Jared’s name over and over, so fast they’re almost unintelligible. “Gonna come. Gonna come.” He begins to chant.

A small smile curves the tips of Jared’s lips, and he picks up his pace, hollowing his cheeks and sucking hard.

When Jensen hits, Jared let’s go of his hips, allowing the man to thrust up into his mouth over and over, riding out his orgasm. He relaxes his throat completely, swallowing the jets of hot come that splay across his tongue and teeth.

“Jesus Mother Fuckin’ _Christ_ ,” Jensen hisses, hips falling hard onto the floor. He tugs Jared’s hair hard again, dragging him up the length of his body until their lips crash together.

Jared is harder then he thinks he’s ever been in his entire life but it’s completely worth seeing the look of Jensen’s face when he came, “So was that… okay?”

“No,” Jensen shakes his head then grins widely. “It was the most amazing blow job I’ve ever had in my entire life. I think it’s the whole being blind thing.”

“Gee thanks,” Jared snorts, rolling to lay beside him on the cold floor.

A flush crosses Jensen’s cheeks and he runs a hand reassuringly across Jared’s arm, “Don’t worry, it _was_ you. I just mean, being blind adds to the whole experience. My skin is like, overly sensitive.”

Jared rolls on his side, staring down at Jensen’s features. His fingers trace along the curve of his jaw then back up. Over the cheek bone and hesitating on closed eyelids. Slowly he leans down, pressing a kiss to first the left then the right eye, heart thumbing heavy in his chest as Jensen’s smile takes on a level of quiet tranquility.

“I love you,” He breathes, pressing another kiss to each corner of Jensen’s smile.

“I love you too,” Jensen whispers in return, hand reaching up to cup Jared’s cheek, thumb smoothing across the skin. “Wish I could do something about your little problem.”

“It’s by no means little. But um… soon enough,” Jared insists and pushes up off the floor, grasping Jensen’s shirt in his palm and pressing it to his chest. “Now let’s get packing. Chad’s gonna be here in an hour and he’s already pissed about having to move my things twice, let’s not let him catch us lying down on the job.”

Jensen laughs, pulling the shirt over his head and moving back to the cabinet with the pots and pans.

*

They’re at their third animal shelter when Jared finally finds him. The cutest little golden retriever he’s ever seen, stuck in cage with four snappy little Chihuahua’s that attempt to bite – even if they could fit inside his palm – when he opens the door to pull out the wide eyed puppy, “Hey little guy.” He coos, carrying the blond dog out of the building to the back dog run where Jensen is waiting. “Oh my god Jen…”

“Did you find a good one?” Jensen turns towards him, smiling softly.

“He’s the cutest thing in the entire world,” Jared breathes, carrying the dog over so Jensen can run his fingers along the silky fur. “He’s a golden retriever. The sign said he’s about five months old so there’s still plenty of time to train him.”

“Well put him down, let’s see how he acts,” The shorter man advises, bumping casually against Jared’s side.

A warm smile brightens his face as he sets the dog down on the ground, watching as he instantly bounces off into the grass, chasing invisible shadows, “Oh god Jen he’s the one. I know it.”

So they get the dog and name him Sulu because it’s one of those inside jokes they can smile over. The lady at the front desk points out several fliers on the Humane Society News board about dog training classes, which will be the first step in preparing Sulu to be Jensen’s seeing eye dog.

During the entire drive to their new home Jensen holds Sulu on his lap, stroking over the fur to keep the animal calm.

“I think he likes you,” Jared muses, reaching out to run his hand over the dog’s head.

“Well that’s a relief,” Jensen chuckles and catches Jared’s hand in his the second time it runs down the dog’s back. Pulling it up to his lips he presses a brief kiss to the top of it. “You, me and puppy makes three.”

Jared laughs happily, squeezing Jensen’s hand before pulling away to guide the steering wheel, “Right and the cheesiest sentiment of the day award goes too…”

“Oh shut up, you know you love it,” He insists, grinning happily as he once more resumes petting the dog.

*

“God Padalecki, next time _I_ move, you’re carrying every single fuckin’ box,” Chad pants loudly, dropping a box in a growing pile in the living room. “Seriously, we just fuckin’ did this!”

“Stop whining you pansy,” Chris laughs, carrying in a box nearly twice the size of Chad’s and setting it with the rest. He rubs his hands together and turns to Jared, “Damn boy you’ve got some pussy ass friends.”

Jared laughs while Chad mumbles, “That doesn’t even fuckin’ make sense.”

Both boys head back out the front door to the moving truck, bickering to each other and Jared watches them fondly. “Our friends are crazy,” Jensen offers, sliding up beside him and looping their arms together. “Like, seriously.”

“Just a… lot,” Jared agrees, bending slightly to press a kiss underneath Jensen’s ear. “But what would we do without them right?”

“Yeah I know,” Jensen grins, bumping their hips together. “We’re going to have them thank them in a big way. Maybe we can have some sort of house warming party after your last treatment next week. Have some sort of barbecue or something.”

Jared grins back at him, pulling him close in a tight hug, “See, now you’re thinking! That sounds like a great idea and so much fun! We’re going to have to do that.”

“Dude, no doing anything while we’re still here,” Chad warns, dropping down another box and cringing just a little when something sounds like shattering glass.

Both Jared and Jensen face him, eyebrows arching almost identically up.

“I’ll pay for it,” Chad offers with a shrug before turning on his heel and walking back out the house.


	10. Chapter 10

Jared watches the needle slip into his arm although he knows he shouldn’t because it just seems to make it hurt more. Only this time there’s an excited little bubble building in his stomach and he can’t help from smiling when he looks up at the nurse.

She meets his eyes curiously, a hesitant smile tugging her own lips, “I take it today is a good day?”

“This is the last time I have to do this,” Jared nods. “Well, as long as everything goes as planned. But after tomorrow I’m free to be active again.”

“I wouldn’t suggest running any marathon’s in the next few weeks,” The nurse advises but she continues to smile as she straps the blood pressure cuff around his arm.

“My mind couldn’t be further from running marathons,” He smirks brightly, eyes traveling to Jensen’s who’s talking to Chad out in the hall.

The nurse follows his line of sight and grins brightly, “Gonna show that boy of yours a good time?”

“ _Hell._ Yes,” He laughs, reclining back against the bed as she finishes up. “All my tests and everything are okay right?”

“Of course,” She nods, cleaning up the remains of paper from the IV she inserted. “You’d know if something was wrong Jared, don’t worry. Just like you said, you’ll be done with the therapy today and will head home tomorrow.”

“Thank god, I’m so sick of this hospital,” Chad meanders into the room, Jensen trailing after him with a small smile. “No offense,” The blond adds with a bright smile to the nurse who’s eyeing him oddly.

“None taken,” She shrugs before patting Jared’s arm with a final smile and turning to walk out of the room.

Chad watches her go with a bright look in his eyes that Jared calls the ‘I’m about to hit on this girl and she’ll probably reject me but who cares?’ look, “Damn that woman is _fine._ ” He turns to look back at Jared and Jensen and shakes his head, “Not that you two would know. Fuckin’ queers. Oh well, more ladies for me.”

“You’re pretty much a douche,” Jensen observes, walking towards Jared and laying a hand on his chest. “But then again we all knew that so… sorry for stating the obvious.”

“I’m gonna try and get her phone number,” Chad says, completely ignoring everything Jensen’s just said and turning to head out to the nurses station.

Jared laughs, wrapping fingers around Jensen’s wrist to pull his hand up and press kisses against each knuckle, “I can’t wait to be done with all this. I’m going to be okay right? I mean, this will end and you and I are going to get our happily ever after?”

Jensen smiles and uses his other hand to trace along Jared’s jawbone, “Yes, you’re going to be okay. Not sure what to say about the happily ever after, because that’s putting a little too much faith in society, but we’ll _be._ And I’m happy. So assuming you’re happy I guess that’s as good as we get right?”

Chuckling softly, Jared slides his hand to the back of Jensen’s neck, tugging his head down so their lips could slant together in a soft kiss full of unspoken meaning.

They are interrupted by the transport guy clearing his throat, “Um, I’m here to take you down to surgery.”

“Love you,” Jensen breathes as he pulls back from his lips, smile lingering.

“Love you too,” Jared grins. “Chad’s by the nursing station. You should probably go save him before that nurse decides to show off her skills with a surgical blade.”

*

Surveying the room Jared considers lighting some candles and playing some mood music, but Jensen wouldn’t even see the candles – might smell them if Jared could find the fruity ones but somehow green apple doesn’t equal sex to him. Also he’s not entirely sure he has anything that would qualify as mood music. Jared’s pretty sure country music will not work.

He just sort of feels like he should be doing more. This is a big deal here, loosing his virginity, and not just during some drunken night like how Chad lost his virginity oh so long ago. Maybe he could put rose petals on the bed?

“What are you thinking about?” Jensen asks, leaning against the door frame.

Jared turns to him, fully planning on making up some random thing but he’s frozen by the sight of his boyfriend. They’d been playing with Sulu in the ocean earlier and Jensen had insisted on rinsing off the salt water. A fact which he’s truly grateful for because if the droplets sliding across tan skin, towel wrapped loosely around his waist.

“I honestly have no idea,” Jared says softly, crossing the room in several long steps and dropping his hands to rest on slender hips.

“And why would that be?” He asks with a smirk, tilting his head up slightly and puckering his lips.

A faint growl falls from his mouth as Jensen’s hips rock forward, their hardening lengths only separated by the cotton of his boxers and Jensen’s towel, “Well let’s see. My boyfriend only looks like a complete sex god waiting to make my every wish come true but besides that, I have no idea.”

“I feel like I’ve been waiting for this forever,” Jensen confesses, letting his finger slide between the waist of his boxers and the skin there.

“You have no idea,” Jared chuckles, tilting down to seal their lips together.

*

Jensen’s not sure he’ll ever get used to the fire that accompanies Jared’s touches. It’s like a very delicious – legal – drug that he can’t get enough of. Even the simple act of their tongues sliding against each other leaves him slightly dizzy so he allows Jared to guide them back towards the bed.

He can feel the slight give of the mattress against the back of his legs, relaxing as the heat from Jared’s palms press against his back and slowly guides them down. Falling back on the bed when you’re stuck in the dark is a little surreal, everything tilts beneath him and he’s being pushed back as the heavy warmth of Jared covers him.

There’s tongue and teeth along his chest as Jared marks out a meaningless design and he arches up into him, moaning low in the back of his throat. For a few long moments he allows Jared to circle lazily around his nipple, soaking in the steady warmth building in his groin.

He stops him, though, when he starts to press kisses along the curve of his hipbone, threading fingers through Jared’s hair and tugging up, “Come here, this is about you remember?”

“You too though,” Jared insists, but crawls back up his body, pressing their lips together.

Jensen grins, pressing a firm hand against the man’s shoulder and rolling them over, spreading legs to straddle Jared’s hips. The towel falls discarded to the floor and he reaches beneath him to push down Jared’s boxers.

He takes his own time exploring Jared’s chest with bites and kisses. Jared’s skin has a faint hint of salt across it from the ocean’s spray that hadn’t quite been washed off by the outside shower. Beneath the salt is the distinctive taste of Jared, warm and heavy across his tongue.

“Fuck Jen…” Jared whispers, pressing up into his lips. Hearing his name hissed like that only adds to the painful ache of his cock and he just barely resists rubbing about Jared’s leg. “I need…”

“A wise man once said: patience, or you get nothing,” He can’t resist the jab, smirking against the soft flesh just below Jared’s belly button. The skin is smooth and silky against his lips the further down he crawls.

Every little noise plays like surround sound, Jared’s heartbeat thudding a rapid staccato, his breath exhaling out in short puffs, low guttural moans that barely made a sound. And Jensen thinks that even if he wasn’t lying naked on top of a naked Jared he’d still be turned on by the noises that Jared’s almost unknowingly making.

“All the things I’m going to do to you,” Jensen breathes against Jared’s hipbone, smirking when fingers smooth up into his hair. “I’m going to drive you crazy, and then I’ll fuck you. God, I can’t even imagine how good it’ll feel, being buried in you.”

Jared pushes his hips up with a loud moan, trying in vain to guide Jensen to his eagerly waiting length. He only chuckles, resisting the pressure and instead working a trail of kisses along the inside of Jared’s thighs.

He learns quickly which spots seem to get the most reaction when he licks or bites. Feeling Jared squirm beneath him is so good that Jensen doesn’t really want to stop his explorations, but he can _smell_ Jared’s heat, waiting for him. He’s suddenly overcome with the urge to _taste_ , so he does.

Adjusting to the most comfortable position between long legs – hard on trapped almost painfully between him and the bed – he wraps long slender fingers around Jared’s cock. The flesh is nearly burning against his palm, skin stretched tight with arousal.

Jared literally whimpers when Jensen darts his tongue out and gathers the pearly drop of precum, running the taste over his lips. It’s been awhile since he’s given someone a blow job, but he finds Jared’s taste oddly pleasant. A little salty but sweet too, as if all the candy the man consumes during an average day transfers through his system.

The skin that makes up the head is just as silky as the rest of him and Jensen takes his time running slow spiraling circles around it, each time sliding up to dip just slightly into the tip.

“Jesus Jensen,” Jared gasps, legs pressing tight against Jensen’s sides with tension. “More, _please_.”

Jensen hovers over Jared, running fingers slowly up and down the shaft, pace almost excruciatingly painful. “More?”

“Fuck Jen, yes…” Jared hisses through gritted teeth.

Jensen feels the slightest pang in his heart when he considers how much he’d like to see Jared’s expression right now, but he hastily shoves the thought away, trying to focus on his other heightened senses. He waits several more beats till Jared is one constant motion of writhing beneath him before he opens his mouth and takes as much of the firm, heavy cock in as he can.

He’s completely unprepared for the instant reaction of Jared coming against the back of his throat, moaning Jensen’s name over and over as his hands scramble for purchase in Jensen’s short hair.

When he finally collapses back on the bed, panting heavily, a breathy chuckle escapes his lips, “Sorry.”

Jensen quirks an eyebrow, whole body thrumming with want and need, “For what?”

“I thought I’d last longer. You just kinda…”

“Blew your mind?” Jensen teases, laying his head against Jared’s thigh and trailing one finger along the curve of hipbone.

“Pretty much,” Jared agrees, slowly gaining control of his oxygen intake. “Do you want me to…?”

“I’m going to fuck you,” Jensen states simply, fingers dipping a little lower between Jared’s legs. “That was just extended foreplay, baby.”

Jared lets out a gruff chuckle, shifting slightly on the bed. Jensen can hear a drawer sliding open, closed, then a bottle of lube and a condom are being pressed into his hand, “Well then, get me ready _baby_.”

Jensen decides there are much better things he can be doing with his mouth that don’t involve talking. So he sets the lube and condom just above Jared’s waistline and moves forward once more. He spreads Jared with his fingers, dipping one in to use as a guide.

He’s pressed so close into the man it’s all he came smell and feel and _taste_. Tongue darting out to work slow circles around the muscle until Jared is letting out a constant stream of curses and the area is wet enough Jensen can press just the tip of his index finger in.

“Shit,” Jared growls, arching hips high and involuntarily pulling Jensen’s finger in to the knuckle.

It’s a little surprising Jensen doesn’t come right then and there. Between all the pent up sexual frustration and the tight ring of muscle against his finger that leaves little to the imagination regarding what it’ll be like when he’s pressing inside. He’s about two steps away from loosing his mind.

“Just relax okay?” Jensen warns, voice tight as he pulls back the finger and reaches for the lube. Once he’s satisfied both fingers are well slicked, he readjusts and presses both to the ring of muscle.

“God Jen, just _do_ something. Please.”

A small smile graces his features before he’s slowly pushing both fingers in. preparing Jared is slow work, but it’s worth it with the way the man writhes beneath him.

When he inserts a third finger Jensen uses his other free hand to circle Jared’s cock, which is already hard again. Gives several long strokes while Jared hisses with the obvious discomfort of stretching.

Jensen looses himself in the rhythm of push and stroke, relishing Jared’s increasing arousal, so he’s a little startled when Jared moans, “Fuck, just do it Jen.”

Really, he doesn’t need to be asked twice. Jensen’s so hard he has to take several deep breathes before even daring to slide the condom on, several more before slicking up with lube.

Then the severity of what he’s about to do hits him low in the gut. He’s going to be buried deep inside – connected in the deepest way possible – with someone he is madly head over heels in love with. And it’s not like Jensen is a virgin, because he’s really not in the slightest even though he knows Jared is, but this means more then all of those other times combined.

It twists his heart though he’s not completely sure why and he pauses, tip of his aching cock hovering just above Jared’s entrance. “Jay…” He whispers, free hand gripping the thigh circling his waist.

“I know,” Jared’s words are just as soft and a large hand smooths down across his cheek. “I love you too.”

Jensen smiles fondly, touching fingers to the hand along his face before slowly pressing forward. He focuses on the harsh intake of Jared’s breath to keep from coming right away, moving a hand to wrap once more around Jared’s length and stroke long and firm.

“Fuck,” He gasps, dropping his hand from Jensen’s face to his shoulder and squeezing tightly.

“You okay?” Jensen asks, voice tense from the tight heat of Jared surrounding him. “Take some deep breaths, try to relax.”

“Jesus,” The man beneath him growls as Jensen presses the rest of the way in, fingers settling over Jared’s hipbones. They hold this moment, Jared adjusting with long deep breathes that slowly shift from discomfort to arousal. “Okay. Okay fuck Jensen _move_.”

He does just that, pulling almost all the way out before sliding slowly back in. The pace nearly kills him, but the last thing he wants is Jared thinking he can’t go for more then thirty seconds. Normally it wouldn’t be an issue, but the heat of being buried in Jared envelopes his body and, for all he knows, he actually died in that car crash and this is his heaven.

Only Jared is using language he’s pretty sure would never be allowed past the pearly gates, like, “Jesus _fucking_ Christ Jensen, more. Please.”

That’s about the time his control snaps and he slams down into Jared repeatedly over and over, tilting in just the right angle to finally hit Jared’s prostate and causing the man to arch his hips.

Jensen knows he’s not going to last, so when he finds that spot he grips Jared’s hips tightly in order to hit it repeatedly in short shallow thrusts. “God I’m gonna come,” He pants, sweat dripping down his brow.

Jared starts a chant of his name as Jensen curls his fingers around him, dragging up in long strokes, “Jesus yes, coming now.”

His orgasm takes over him, heat crawling up his body, toes curling as he stills against Jared’s body, jerking his hand hurriedly across the length of Jared until the man also hits. He collapses down on top of Jared in exhaustion. Collapsing he pants against the curve of Jared’s neck, “Holy fuck…”

“Amen,” Jared laughs hoarsely, arms wrapping loosely around the body covering him. “That was so fucking amazing Jen.”

“I aim to please,” Jensen smirks, groaning softly as he pulls out and falls to the left.

“I have a great idea,” Jared tilts towards him, fingers swirling around his chest as he leans to press a brief kiss to the side of his lips.

He chuckles softly, fingers carding up into Jared’s hair, “I’m on pins and needles.”

“Okay,” He clears his throat several times, fingers stopping and starting with each time. Jensen’s just about to question more then Jared says, “We should get married. I mean, I know we can’t here but there are loads of places we can. We could have a private ceremony and honeymoon in the same spot. I’ve always wanted to go to Maine!”

Jensen’s more then a little stunned by the entire outburst and figures it must show on his face because Jared continues to babble on. Somewhere around his, “And we could both wear suits but not tux’s cause I don’t like bow ties,” that Jensen interrupts.

“Are you proposing to me?”

Jared falters, hand rising off his skin, “Well um… yes. I guess?”

He waits for several long moments, searching his mind to see if he can come up with any reason why him and Jared shouldn’t get married. When he doesn’t find any a small smile tugs the corners of his lips up and slides a hang along the back of Jared’s neck, tugging him forward and whispering a soft, “yes,” before sealing their lips together.

*

“Wait, you’re letting _Jared_ do the cooking? Loosing your sight made you dumb?” Chad slides up to him in the kitchen, taking a loud slurp from the beer in his hand.

Jensen just laughs and continues to cut precise, thin slices of tomato, “Chris is supervising.”

“Great, I hardly know the guy and that doesn’t seem like the best plan,” Chad mumbles, setting down the can and rubbing his hands together. “So anything I can help with?” Jensen arches an eyebrow, turning to him. “I can be helpful. Seriously.”

“You could supervise Chris supervising Jared if you want,” Jensen shrugs. “I’m good here though.”

“Fine by me,” Chad walks off with a chuckle.

From where Jensen stands he can hear his friends, laughing at something Jared’s doing. His family, chatting to Danneel and one of Jared’s friends, Sandy. As far as house warming parties go he’d say this one was turning out to be a pretty good success.

He considers the world around him now, considers the time less then a year ago where he buried himself in work and couldn’t be bothered by anything symbolizing a relationship outside of very casual friendships. Now his relationships are the only things that keep him going and he can hardly imagine living without them.

“You’ve got deep thought face,” Jared teases, appearing behind him and wrapping firm arms around his waist.

“Just wondering if there will be enough tomato or if I should pull out another one,” Jensen tilts his head to receive a gentle kiss along the side of his lips.

Jared chuckles softly, squeezing once more, “That’s my baby, always looking to solve life’s problems, however small.”

“Yeah, yeah, you know you love me,” Jensen shakes his head and turns in Jared’s arms, reaching up to press their lips together.

“Yeah, I really do,” Jared insists before dipping his head down and sealing the kiss.

The End


End file.
